Hi, I've written some copy for a service is aimed at businesses who want to increase their revenues (and therefore profits)... http://www.highrollertoys.com/business-revenue-increase-system-p-48.html. Feel free to comment on any of the following: 1) was there clarity or did the message seem muddled?... 2) did the copy build excitement in you about the possibilities (even if the service is the last thing you need)?... 3) what could I add to the copy to make it more appealing... make you want to buy?... and, 4) What would keep you from buying right now? Thanks!
Hello, Justinlorder For the service below, I'm offering $500 commission for every referral that purchases. While I've set a limit of 2 purchases for the service (in the copy), I'll take on more for a short period. A few months down the road however, I may no longer be able to. http://www.highrollertoys.com/busine...stem-p-48.html. As for the other products on the site, I'm not offering a commission structure on those at present. I like any commission structure to be worthwhile to those promoting it. Thanks.
It is on the wrong website unless it's just a test version. A gift Make a new website for it if you weren't planning to. Testimonials would be nice as well.
I've read the whole thing (well, scan-read the whole thing, which is what anyone visiting your site would do), but I still have no clear idea of what you're selling. The first thing I'd be asking is who the person writing this is, and what qualifies them to tell me anything about my business. But none of that information seems to be in there. Also, the way you've worded your pricing section - if I was scanning this quickly (which I would be) I might get the impression you wanted $25,000 for your service, at which point I'd leave the page. I think you need to make this bit clearer.
Well, you seem to like licking the redundancy lollipop. Your opener is filled with 2 questions that ask the same thing. Well, birds of a feather flock together I guess. Just combine some elements or dump the 2nd paragraph and that will be solved. But there are other issues. Also, you need to decide if you're going to be the "urban business guy" or the "Wall Street business guy." I won't go any further into this point. Pick a persona and stick to it. What's your one main selling point? In other words, wrap this whole song and dance into 25 words or less. That should be your lead. You need to completely stress the benefits of your services. The price romancing is weak as well. Finally, you need to be less passive/timid and not use so many "if" statements toward your reader. It looks like you don't know your audience well. Keep revising and asking away. There's some good feedback here. Good luck
Personally, I liked it. I think it needs a little bit of editing, but for the most part, you've got the right idea.
Hello, Everyone Thanks for your responses... I've already gone ahead and made some adjustments based on your suggestions, including adding some authority (about myself and team and our qual's)... I'm most concerned about the comment that offering a business service may not fit with the general theme of High Roller Toys... offering high end products and services to the affluent. I will think on that a little... and will also any enjoy any further feedback you can offer on that... By the way two soon to be added "products" are actually services... a learn how to paint offering and a how to write a best seller offering, both acclaimed offering from others. Again, thanks for your responses... they're helping me learn how to properly present the offer...
I scanned the whole thing although it does look good but when i clicked add to cart and saw that in my cart was the total amount to pay was $8,000 i couldn't believe it