I get these from time to time for a friend of a friend. I don't know where he gets time to write these. He must have damn near 50 by now. From the archives of Dirty Brown" "Video Games and Girls College is notable for two things: Video games and Getting Laid. The two are mutually exclusive. If you’re pursuing one, you best forget about the other (at least for a few hours). Except for a few fat, ugly girls (Women’s Studies majors, etc.) women avoid video games at all costs. (I don’t count the times your girlfriend might pick up the Playstation controller to see what all the fuss is about. It’s not really playing videogames, she’s just momentarily curious. Usually, this results in her just pushing random buttons and screaming that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Incidentally, this is pretty much how you treat the operation of her clitoris during sex.) You don’t have to worry right now, though, because you’re in college! College has videogames and ass like Canada has Moose Mounties and Back Bacon. There are Saturdays that open with hours and hours of Madden 2005 and end with drunken hookups in the Dorm Basement. Unless you’re stupid enough to actually have a girlfriend before your Senior year, you never have to hear a single whiny “how long are you going to play with that thing?†(Some of you might have heard this from your roommate for a much different reason.) You’ve got so many hours to spare, you don’t know how to ration your time. You’re like Rosie O’Donnell at a Sizzler. At a normal restaurant, she has to use all that learnin’ she got at law school to figure out what plate will deliver the most food to her fat smug face. At Sizzler, though, she can just pull her chair up to the all-you-can-eat food trough and shovel it in until she’s satisfied. She doesn’t have to learn restraint. You’re fit and full and happy with your large plate of never-ending Tekken and Titties. For all you know, this will last forever. Pull up a chair, kids. Listen to someone who’s been there: the restaurant is about to close and never re-open. If you’re anywhere close to graduating, your days of having video games and getting laid are numbered. Because, like porno, all sports other than the Superbowl, and 1980’s action movies, your girlfriend won’t understand why you need to play. And, as your post-college time gets eaten up by other worries like work and dinner parties and wine tastings and dog rearing and house upkeep and oh lord just fucking shoot me now etc. etc., your girlfriend is going to demand a higher and higher percentage of whatever is left over. If you want continued access to her panties, you’re going to give her that time too. Oh sure, you might stand up to her and say “No, I’m a grown man and I want to play my video game†(the inherent paradox sitting in the room like a giant white elephant), but it won’t last. She’ll just tap her foot and cross her legs and unless you’re a pasty white virgin video game geek, you’ll cave. I know you’re supposed to revel in friendships and first loves and open minds and Frisbee in the front yard during your college years, but seriously, fuck that. Revel in your video games. All that other stuff exists in the adult world; video games barely show up for more than a few minutes a week. Enjoy it while you have it." “Dirtyâ€