copywriting from a non copywriter

I have a instant messaging service I am working on offering homesellers ie agents, brokers etc. the problem is I don't have the money nor the communication skills to really hire someone to say what I feel I want to say. I will show you stage one of the processs. Please remember this is work in progress so tell me is this really sales page copy or just mombo jombo per say. In other words am I on the right track

http://rtc.ehomeshowings.net/index.html

 

You've done a really decent job here. I'm impressed.

The most important thing is that the headline and landing page are clear and it is clear. An inset photo to the right wouldn't hurt. Maybe a photo that shows what you see on a mobi site. (If it's a mobi site with video streaming) Then you add a caption to highlight a key benefit.

Break it up with some subheads and INCREASE that point size. It's microscopic. The subheads need to be highlights of the benefits which you know and have in there. But some people land on a page and take in the highlights before they are sucked in to read.

You have the nuts and bolts here and you've put yourself in the shoes of the target. You just need to send that message home that realtors no longer have to hope that potential customers jump through all the hoops but that you capture more buyers because they get instant feedback and photos. And then seal the deal with what an enormous COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE THERE IS with this product.

Give more thought to that "call to action" to inspire them to act now.

 

Something I find remarkable is that you are not using the same old sales copy layout repeated over and over across the Internet.

It may work, but innovation as well, just keep in mind Webgal's advice.

 

I am also new sales job. I get good information here.thank you all.

 

Thanks to all who responded with advise as this is what I needed to inspire me to move on further. Because as much as I was into what I was writing, I was not sure if it was sales copy material

 

I don't know why but I always see grammar and spelling mistakes on landing pages. Is that the new fad here on the internet?

Other than the simple English mistakes you made, you could make the text a bit bigger and split up the paragraphs as well as add small in-text subheadings. That would make it look much better. Good look, mate.

 

To catch the errors, copy and paste the copy into notepad. Then cut it from there and paste into word. That will catch a lot of those errors.