Computers are female The top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it. ========================================================== The Writer There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define ‘great’ he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. ========================================================== If Computer Error Messages Were Haikus First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. Three things are certain: death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. A file that big? It might be very useful, but now it is gone. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. The code was willing. It considered your request, but the chips were weak. Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you. ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. ========================================================== Explaining the technology BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit." BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills. BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list. CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals. COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!" DISK - What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip. DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer. ERROR - What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look." EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals. FILE - What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes. FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips). HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer. IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again. MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant. MONITOR - Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school. PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it. RETURN - What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half. TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers. WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up." ========================================================== The 100GBBug Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two numeric places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles. "The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB", one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills." ========================================================== Three Engineers There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?" ========================================================== Enjoy!! Andy