Can you critique my salespage?

Discussion in 'Copywriting' started by e30drifter, Oct 23, 2007.

  1. #1
    I just finished my sales page and I need your opinion.
    What rises red flag what I am missing to make sales.
    What do I need to cut down or add to this page?
    This page doesn’t have order button yet.
    It’s just the test and I need your opinion.
    Be honest when you post your constructive criticism.

    Thank You for your time.

    http://crazyonlineauctions.com/myspacemarketing.htm
     
    e30drifter, Oct 23, 2007 IP
  2. ggunselman

    ggunselman Peon

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    #2
    Your sales page has good potential, but needs to be written more clearly and concisely. You should use a larger font, the spacing is not even, use colors, bold, italic to make it more powerful. You are selling an ebook on using MySpace to network and market a business. But your headline also mentions ebay...which you're not selling. Your headline could be better...maybe something like: NEED MORE SALES? MYSPACE HAS IT ALL. LEARN THE SECRETS TO NETWORKING AND TAKING YOUR BUSINESS TO THE NEXT LEVEL USING MYSPACE!

    OR

    EBAY SALES GETTING YOU DOWN? LEARN HOW TO USE MYSPACE TO MAKE THE KIND OF MONEY MOST PEOPLE ONLY DREAM ABOUT!

    OR

    MYSPACE IS THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE...GET IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR WITH THESE MONEY MAKING TIPS!


    MySpace Lurkers might be a P.S. at the bottom of the page and have change the subhead to be some sort of word of caution.

    Check editing. Some of the sentences don't flow correctly, i.e. "while you watch your competition to crash and burn" should be "while you watch your competition crash and burn"

    I would rewrite your first paragraph under "Why Not Use MySpace?" and "Who is On MySpace?" or even remove.

    At the bottom of the page you say "'People become information junkies when they are interested in buying.' Do you know who said that?" But you don't tell us who said that.

    When you're writing a sales letter you need to remember the four p's. Picture, Promise, Proof, Push. The Gary Halbert thing at the beginning is good, but you need to tie it in to your letter better (Picture), you don't give much Promise, how MySpace is doing so well and information about MySpace is good...just needs to be more clear (Proof), and Push could use a little more power to get them to buy.

    Hope this helps.
     
    ggunselman, Oct 24, 2007 IP
  3. e30drifter

    e30drifter Peon

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    #3
    Thanks it helped a lot...eBay was mentioned there only because I was planning to test it there. Headline was actually very similar what Joe Vitale used. Maybe it's too strong, because salespage is not following strongly.
    Thanks A Million.
     
    e30drifter, Oct 24, 2007 IP
  4. libertygone

    libertygone Active Member

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    #4
    you NEED pictures
     
    libertygone, Oct 24, 2007 IP
  5. e30drifter

    e30drifter Peon

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    #5
    what kind of pictures to you recommend? I edited little bit more. But I have no idea about pictures.
     
    e30drifter, Oct 24, 2007 IP
  6. goscript

    goscript Prominent Member

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    #6
    It looks like a cheap unprofessional 5 minutes built page.
    Try using some images (header, logo, 1-2 graphics)
    Use a nice css to make the page more professional.
     
    goscript, Oct 24, 2007 IP
  7. marketjunction

    marketjunction Well-Known Member

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    #7
    Headline:

    1. All you're offering is that I can make as much money as my neighbor. What if they are broke? What if I already make what they do?

    2. Don't use "real job." Best case scenario, it comes off as demeaning.

    Find a stronger and more accurate headline.

    I won't go any further, but the copy needs editing and should be formatted better. It's a start, but you need to keep working on it.

    Good luck!
     
    marketjunction, Oct 30, 2007 IP
  8. jimjames3000

    jimjames3000 Peon

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    #8
    I like the page, the product also sounds unique. The copy is also well written and flows well. The only comment I have is on the overall design; the links are blue and are set against a blue background (use css to create different link colors for different sections of the site). Also, I would include a little more graphics, maybe a picture and an attractive buy-now or order-now button. Use logoCreator (logo and graphics software)to create quick stunning banners for the sales page.

    Otherwise, good luck and happy sales!:)
     
    jimjames3000, Oct 30, 2007 IP
  9. jimjames3000

    jimjames3000 Peon

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    #9
    For picture ideas go to deviantart.com or sxc.hu or istockphoto.com:)
     
    jimjames3000, Oct 30, 2007 IP
  10. tomcatdss

    tomcatdss Peon

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    #10
    Your headline should be more 'specific'. Format your sales copy properly. It looks like an article right now.
     
    tomcatdss, Oct 30, 2007 IP
  11. QiSoftware

    QiSoftware Well-Known Member

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    #11
    Your page is very busy this evening. Had a hard time bringing it up.

    People like lists. I think your lists are a great idea.

    Q...
     
    QiSoftware, Oct 30, 2007 IP
  12. shahif

    shahif Member

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    #12
    It needs graphics and please change the page title
     
    shahif, Nov 1, 2007 IP
  13. Yasir

    Yasir Member

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    #13
    It's a good site i appreciated you but you will have to required some graphics and cool images after that will be seem very well :)
    It looks like a cheap unprofessional 5 minutes built page.:-D
     
    Yasir, Nov 3, 2007 IP
  14. cullenstrategy

    cullenstrategy Banned

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    #14
    I would definitely rewrite the headline. Try to work what the product is about more into the headline and the first few paragraphs. What I do is write a few headlines and pick the best one. The sales letter isn't great either. You might want to take a look at a few really good sales letters and then use them as a template to write yours.

    Just a few tips from one BMW enthusiast to another. I race an E36 M3 :)
     
    cullenstrategy, Nov 3, 2007 IP
  15. tonybogs

    tonybogs Peon

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    #15
    Place a testimonial above the fold so your customers see it first up.

    Place points of action throughout the page instead of just the end.

    Dont add too many graphics to the page it will distract from the message. Highlight key points in a different colour and add some subheading highlighting the key features of the product.

    Good Luck :)
     
    tonybogs, Nov 4, 2007 IP