An good Rappers? Writers? Good English people?

Hey

My Friend got This is assignment, and needs help, i nor him are good at english, and he lives on the other side of the sea.
Well here is a sonnet i wrote about PERSUADING someone to "Die with me". In this sonnet i am describing that death is not a such bad thing.

This is the sonnet he have till now:

Shot, bleeding, pain, torture and waiting death
Looked at my chest, filled with five bullet holes
Hands start shaking, eyes gone weak, waiting death
Mind emptied, filled with only good moments
Family meant a meaning for me now
Confused, am I leaving them, or have they come close to me
But, I am glad I get to rest in piece
Die with me, You will be granted your place
Death is nothing but a moment of rest
Hold my hand, and let us die together
Why love your life for the upcoming of death?
Do it now, give yourself a gift of peace.
Then come by me as we await a new place,
Die with love stained on your bloodless face.

It might make sense it might not...

If you can please read the sonnet, or more likely EDIT it with better words? add a ending?

Sorry for bad english

 

Shot, bleeding, pain, tortured and waiting death
Looking at my chest, filled with five bullet holes
Hands start shaking, eyes gone dim, awaiting death
Mind empty, filled with only good moments
Family meant a meaning for me now
Confused, am I leaving them, or have they come close to me?
But, I am glad I get to rest in peace
Die with me, you will be granted your place
Death is nothing but a moment of rest
Hold my hand, and let us die together
Why love your life for the upcoming of death?
Do it now, give yourself a gift of peace.
Then come near me as we await a new place,
Die with love stained on your bloodless face.

A mind can't be filled and at the same time empty. What do you mean by "meant a meaning"? That statement is meaningless. I don't know what you mean when you write "Why love your life for the upcoming of death?"

This is a great conclusion, I think: "Die with love stained on your bloodless face. "

That's all I have time for now, I hope it gives you something to think about. Good luck!

 

Thanks for your suggestion, apprieciate it.

Will hope others review it aswell

 

If I have some time from work tomorrow, I'll give it another shot. Perhaps someone else can contripute. You'll have to release this sonnet under the GPL.

 

Yeah i needed this by tomorrow and its night here

Thanks !

 

Dude are you sure it makes sense? It didn't to me.

IT

 

Can anyone make it better?

 

errr ummm errr.....r-r-r-r-rremixxx kinda if its not too late...

Shot, bleeding, pain, tortured and waiting on death
Staring at my chest, five bullet holes, take a deep breath.
Hands start shaking, eyes gone dim, waiting on death
Mind empty, filled with only good moments, take a deep breath.
Family meant a meaning for me.
Confused, am I leaving them, will they see?
But, I am glad I get to rest in peace
Die with me, you will be my golden fleece.
Death is nothing but a moment of rest
Hold my hand, and let us die the best.
Why love your life for the upcoming of death?
Do it now, take a deep breath.
Then come near me as we await a new place,
Die with love stained on your bloodless face.

sonnet meant t' rhyme init.....

 

No its not too late, Its good!

I still have some days, so people can write too if they have time

 

Damn thats good! I'll put in something in a few hours too

IT

 

Thanks, will be waiting for it!

*Note* There has to be 10 syllables on each line, in total 14 lines

 

Shot, bleeding, pain, tortured, waiting on death
My chest, five bullet holes, take a deep breath.
Body shaking, eyes gone dim, waiting on death
Mind empty, filled with only good moments,
Family has had a meaning for me.
Confused, am I leaving them, will they see?
But, I am glad I get to rest in peace
Die with me, you will be my golden fleece.
Death is nothing but a moment of rest
Hold my hand, and let us both die the best.
Why love your life for its upcoming death?
Ripping flesh, don't refresh, take a deep breath,
Then come near me as we find a new place,
Die with your love stained on your bloodless face.


I tried lol

 

I used to rap/write. Should i break it down in terms of punches, multiple rhyming patters, vocabulary, structure, switch-ups, flow and meaning or is that suppose to be a poem? One thing you need to fix is repetitions. Eg death death place place

 

I'm all about multis and punches here lol but I just made it 10 syllable lines on the one i rewrote above

Sorry guys but I had to...

Sorry man, I had to cause I was bored...

Warned, infracted, banned, traced, sentenced to life
My name, red painted over it, bloody marks, stabbed with a knife,
Senses tingling, 10 infraction points on my name, look back at your life,
Thoughts ponder, what went wrong, happy threads, my iTrader was strong,
DP had a meaning to me, it was my life,
Startled, dazed, and confused, why must I go, will they remember me?
I only wish my ban was temporary,
Boy the real world can be offly scary,
Banned its not but a moment of worry,
release your anger, and execute your fury,
Talk to me, and don't forget, I wish this was settled by a loving jury,
Why do I love DP more then my wife?
Divorce on its way, struggling to be wed, look back at your life,
Come with me to a new forum to stay,
I will be left empty-hearted as of today

 

lol fancy a battle?

 

Do you go on letsbeef.com? lol

 

Nop, I got out of this a few years back. I think my highlight was doing a set with Artfull Dodger and Trevor Nelson down one of the clubs here in UK.

Actually, this is how i got into webmastering. I wanted to run my own battle forum.

 

lol spit somethin up in pm man did you ever make one?

 

Confident that pretty good, thanks for your try.

Mightyb, you can do whatever you like with the sonnet. I needed a good one for final, as this is my first time. so let see

Great support indeed!

 

Great support is nice to be thanked for with reps but its general chat so I don't know if they count but anyways did you write the basics of it?