2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda 7:00 pm Opening flag burning. 7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. 7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton 7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging 7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore 8:15 pm Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding 8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry 9.00 pm Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Randon 10:00 pm "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin 11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Sreisand 11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn 11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton 11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean 12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore 12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi 1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton 1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home 2008 Republican National Convention Agenda 6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell, now risen from the dead 6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance to George W. Bush 6:35 PM Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights 6:45 PM Salute to the Project for the New American Century 6:46 PM Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on “Are Elections Really Necessary?†7:30 PM Announcement: Mark Foley Was a Closet Democrat 7:35 PM Trent Lott - “Re-Segregation in the 21st Century†7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It’s What’s for Dinner 8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next 8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh 8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children 8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only) 8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future 9:00 PM Dennis Hastert leads discussion: How to Shirk Responsibility and Get Away with It 9:05 PM Phyllis Schlafly speaks on “Why Women Shouldn’t Be Leaders†9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires 9:30 PM Break for secret meetings 10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Pat Robertson 10:15 PM Karl Rove Lecture: How to Commit Perjury and Obstruction of Justice and Get Away with It 10:35 PM George W. Bush demonstration of trademark “deer in headlights†stare 10:40 PM John Ashcroft: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt 10:45 PM GOP’s Tribute to Tokenism, Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice and Alberto Gonzales 10:46 PM Ann Coulter’s Tribute “Joe McCarthy, Great American Patriot†10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation’s Economy 11:10 PM Dick Cheney leads discussion: How to Shoot People, Cover It Up, and Get Away with It 11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult 11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again 11:35 PM Blame Bill Clinton 11:40 PM Twice-Divorced Newt Gingrich speaks on “The Sanctity of Marriage†11:41 PM Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore 11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself 12:00 PM Nomination of GW Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord