A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Two people were going fishing. They went a long way to buy the equipment, bait and a video camera. Then they drove to the seaside. The roads were bad, and their car was badly damaged, with dents here and there. Most of their equipment was damaged, too. After they reached the seaside, they caught only one fish. One of them said, "Business was really bad today. Do you know how much we spent on this one fish alone?" The other answered, "Of course, I do. We spent two thousand dollars on just this one. It is a little too much!" The first person then said, "Good thing we didn't catch more, or the costs would have been even higher. Two thousand dollars for one fish!"
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. "you’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker". The man quickly responds, "the attorney’s". "Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?" The man says, "I already know enough. Social workers have bleeding hearts and the attorney’s probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s!"
"You will be pleased with me today, mother," said Dick to his mother, coming home from school. "I saved on fares. I didn't go to school by bus, I ran all the way after it." "Well," said his mother laughing, "Next time you should run after a taxi, you will save much more."
A New Zealand man caught driving at more than twice the legal speed limit claimed he needed to step on the gas in order to blow-dry his car. Roger Daniel, 37, offered the novel excuse after he was nabbed traveling at over 120 kilometers per hour in a 50 kph zone in the northern town of Whangarei, the Dominion Post newspaper reported. "I have a bad back and just thought I would do that instead of having to chamois it dry," he told police. The explanation failed to impress: Daniel was fined $191 and had his licence suspended for six months.
A Farmer one day came to the stables to see to his beasts of burden: among them was his favorite donkey that was always well fed and often carried his master. With the Farmer came his Lapdog, who danced about and licked his hand and frisked about as happy as could be. The Farmer felt in his pocket, gave the Lapdog some dainty food, and sat down while he gave his orders to his servants. The Lapdog jumped into his master’s lap, and lay there blinking while the Farmer stroked his ears. The donkey, seeing this, broke loose from his halter and began prancing about in imitation of the Lapdog. The Farmer could not hold his sides with laughter, so the donkey went up to him, and putting his feet upon the Farmer’s shoulder attempted to climb into his lap. The Farmer’s servants rushed up with sticks and pitchforks and soon taught the donkey that clumsy jesting is no joke.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
Burglars tried to break into an electronics retailer three times - only to find they'd drilled through to an opticians by mistake. Police say the trio broke into a local newspaper office housed in the same building in Vara, 200 miles south-west of Stockholm. It's thought they bored a hole into the wall using a power drill, but ended up breaking into an optician's office. Spokesman Johan Svensson said: "They tried again on another wall, with the same result. And a third time." When they punched through a fourth wall, they finally broke through to the store, but alarms went off and they fled without grabbing anything, Mr Svensson said. Police are still searching for the men, and no arrests have been made.
Someone asked a woman, “I see that you wear a locket on your neck. It must be a very dear memento from some loved one.†The woman said,“Yes, it is a lock of my husband’s hair.†So the friend said, “Wow! You are so sentimental! But your husband is still alive. Is it necessary?†And the woman said, “Yes! I know, but his hair is all gone.â€
I got one Joke! ladies hostel went on fire 2 firemans to control fire and 3 other persons to control fireMEn!