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5 mins of daily laught

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by dbs00, May 13, 2017.

  1. #1
    Hey fellas, Trying to put a smile on your face.
    Let's see if I succeed !

    1. Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
    Man: "Yes!"
    Reporter: "Name?"
    Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
    Reporter: "Sex?"
    Man: "Three to five times a week."
    Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
    Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
    Reporter: "Holy cow!"
    Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
    Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
    Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
    Reporter: "Oh dear!"
    Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

    2. On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.
    The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn.
    The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

    3.My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

    4.A: I have the perfect son.
    B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t.
    B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t.
    B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t.
    B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
    A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

    5.Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
    Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
    Doctor: "Nine."

    6.I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

    7.So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
    SEMrush
    8.“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.” “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.” “And smart, too!”

    9.A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

    10.I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

    Which one did you liked more? Should I post more?
     
    dbs00, May 13, 2017 IP
    SEMrush
  2. Spoiltdiva

    Spoiltdiva Prominent Member

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    #2
    A member by the name of @dbs00 walks to the ledge and gets pushed off by another member, who says, "This is for everyone on DP".
     
    Spoiltdiva, May 13, 2017 IP
  3. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #3
    Oh well, good thing I like sky diving ;)
    PS: I'd be happy to take you and make you jump with me so you can see I brought only 1 parachute ;)
     
    dbs00, May 13, 2017 IP
    Spoiltdiva likes this.
  4. Spoiltdiva

    Spoiltdiva Prominent Member

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    #4
    Nice to see that you are able to laugh at yourself....humility is a good thing;).
     
    Spoiltdiva, May 13, 2017 IP
  5. mmerlinn

    mmerlinn Well-Known Member

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    #5
    Glad to see that you are also chivalrous since you brought one for @Spoiltdiva and none for you.

     
    mmerlinn, May 13, 2017 IP
  6. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #6
    Yep, it was for @Spoiltdiva indeed :Evil:
     
    dbs00, May 20, 2017 at 11:28 AM IP
  7. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #7
    New ones

    1.Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

    Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.

    Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

    Man: No, I’m a barber.

    2.One twin to the other: "You are ugly."

    3.You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

    4.How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
    The blind start reading your face.

    5.My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.
    Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

    6.The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

    7.Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?

    Just stand in the middle of the road for a while.

    8.I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

    9.Patient: Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
    Doctor: I understand.
    Patient: Understand what?

    10.There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.



    Which one did you liked?
    I really enojed 3rd, 6th , 8th and 10th. Dark humour jokes are the best!
     
    dbs00, May 20, 2017 at 1:04 PM IP
  8. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #8
    New batch!

    1. Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
    The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
    Son: “Yeah.”
    Detector: “Beep.“
    Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
    Detector: “Beep.”
    Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
    Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
    Detector: “Beep.”
    Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
    Detector: “Beep.”

    2."Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"
    "So you can all be really sad when I die."

    3.I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.

    4. Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.

    5.One state official to the other: "I don't know what people have against us - We haven't done anything."

    6.I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I crashed your car.
    -
    YOU DID WHAT?!
    -
    Cookies. I made cookies for you.

    7.Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!" I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

    8.A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“

    A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”

    “Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”

    9.It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.

    10. I played our wedding video backwards yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.


    Vote your Fav!

    I'll go with 1,3,6, 9, 10
     
    dbs00, May 21, 2017 at 5:56 PM IP
  9. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #9
    New batch! Enjoy

    1. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

    2. A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

    3. How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. -

    4. Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
    A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

    5. There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

    6.Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    7.Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
    A: Because they make up everything.

    8.Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
    Woman: "Do not enter."

    9. A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

    10. Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
    Nobody stands up
    Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
    Little Johnny stands up
    Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
    Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

    Which one did you liked more?
     
    dbs00, May 23, 2017 at 4:54 AM IP
  10. malky66

    malky66 Prominent Member

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    #10
    No.
     
    malky66, May 23, 2017 at 5:22 AM IP
  11. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #11
    if you don't like them, move along ;)
     
    dbs00, May 23, 2017 at 5:23 AM IP
  12. malky66

    malky66 Prominent Member

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    #12
    You asked a question, I gave you an answer. If you don't like it, move along ;)
     
    malky66, May 23, 2017 at 5:26 AM IP
  13. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #13

    This is awesome.
    Ads targeting and retargeting fail video...
    Happens to us everyday
     
    dbs00, May 24, 2017 at 7:38 AM IP