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5 mins of daily laught

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by dbs00, May 13, 2017.

  1. #1
    Hey fellas, Trying to put a smile on your face.
    Let's see if I succeed !

    1. Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
    Man: "Yes!"
    Reporter: "Name?"
    Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
    Reporter: "Sex?"
    Man: "Three to five times a week."
    Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
    Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
    Reporter: "Holy cow!"
    Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
    Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
    Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
    Reporter: "Oh dear!"
    Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

    2. On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.
    The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn.
    The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

    3.My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

    4.A: I have the perfect son.
    B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t.
    B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t.
    B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t.
    B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
    A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

    5.Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
    Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
    Doctor: "Nine."

    6.I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

    7.So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!

    8.“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.” “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.” “And smart, too!”

    9.A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

    10.I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

    Which one did you liked more? Should I post more?
    SEMrush
     
    dbs00, May 13, 2017 IP
    SEMrush
  2. Spoiltdiva

    Spoiltdiva Prominent Member

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    #2
    A member by the name of @dbs00 walks to the ledge and gets pushed off by another member, who says, "This is for everyone on DP".
     
    Spoiltdiva, May 13, 2017 IP
  3. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #3
    Oh well, good thing I like sky diving ;)
    PS: I'd be happy to take you and make you jump with me so you can see I brought only 1 parachute ;)
     
    dbs00, May 13, 2017 IP
    Spoiltdiva likes this.
  4. Spoiltdiva

    Spoiltdiva Prominent Member

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    #4
    Nice to see that you are able to laugh at yourself....humility is a good thing;).
     
    Spoiltdiva, May 13, 2017 IP
  5. mmerlinn

    mmerlinn Well-Known Member

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    #5
    Glad to see that you are also chivalrous since you brought one for @Spoiltdiva and none for you.

     
    mmerlinn, May 13, 2017 IP
  6. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #6
    Yep, it was for @Spoiltdiva indeed :Evil:
     
    dbs00, May 20, 2017 IP
  7. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #7
    New ones

    1.Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

    Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.

    Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

    Man: No, I’m a barber.

    2.One twin to the other: "You are ugly."

    3.You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

    4.How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
    The blind start reading your face.

    5.My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.
    Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

    6.The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

    7.Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?

    Just stand in the middle of the road for a while.

    8.I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

    9.Patient: Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
    Doctor: I understand.
    Patient: Understand what?

    10.There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.



    Which one did you liked?
    I really enojed 3rd, 6th , 8th and 10th. Dark humour jokes are the best!
     
    dbs00, May 20, 2017 IP
  8. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #8
    New batch!

    1. Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
    The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
    Son: “Yeah.”
    Detector: “Beep.“
    Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
    Detector: “Beep.”
    Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
    Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
    Detector: “Beep.”
    Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
    Detector: “Beep.”

    2."Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"
    "So you can all be really sad when I die."

    3.I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.

    4. Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.

    5.One state official to the other: "I don't know what people have against us - We haven't done anything."

    6.I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I crashed your car.
    -
    YOU DID WHAT?!
    -
    Cookies. I made cookies for you.

    7.Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!" I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

    8.A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“

    A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”

    “Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”

    9.It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.

    10. I played our wedding video backwards yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.


    Vote your Fav!

    I'll go with 1,3,6, 9, 10
     
    dbs00, May 21, 2017 IP
  9. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #9
    New batch! Enjoy

    1. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

    2. A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

    3. How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. -

    4. Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
    A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

    5. There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

    6.Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    7.Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
    A: Because they make up everything.

    8.Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
    Woman: "Do not enter."

    9. A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single." The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

    10. Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
    Nobody stands up
    Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
    Little Johnny stands up
    Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
    Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

    Which one did you liked more?
     
    dbs00, May 23, 2017 IP
  10. malky66

    malky66 Prominent Member

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    #10
    No.
     
    malky66, May 23, 2017 IP
  11. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #11
    if you don't like them, move along ;)
     
    dbs00, May 23, 2017 IP
  12. malky66

    malky66 Prominent Member

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    #12
    You asked a question, I gave you an answer. If you don't like it, move along ;)
     
    malky66, May 23, 2017 IP
  13. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #13

    This is awesome.
    Ads targeting and retargeting fail video...
    Happens to us everyday
     
    dbs00, May 24, 2017 IP
  14. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #14
    Short Funny Jokes For Adults. If you don't like curses and nasty jokes don't click this
    1. Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
    A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
    2. Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
    A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
    3. Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
    A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
    4. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
    A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
    5. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
    A: Miracle Whip.
    6. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
    A: Half a dog!
    7. Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
    A: Never bin laid on
    8. Q: Why is santa so jolly?
    A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
    9. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
    A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
    10. Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran in-front of the bus?
    A: He got tired
    11. Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
    A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
    12. Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
    A: Pull some strings.
    13. Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
    A: Because they can’t stand up for themselves
    14. Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
    A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done…
    15. Q: Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
    A: Because his pecker is on his head!
    16. Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
    A: He needed to get to the bottom!
    17. Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
    A: Cover me im going in!
    18. Q: What’s worse than spiders on your piano?
    A: Crabs on your organ.
    19. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
    A: Forget about it.
    20. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
    A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
    21. Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
    A: Boobies
    22. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
    A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
    23. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    A: They don’t have balls to scratch.
    24. Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
    A: Her navel.
    25. Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
    A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
    26. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
    A: He doesn’t want anyone knowing he’s been fucking the chickens!
    27. Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
    A: Halfway
    28. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
    A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
    29. Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?
    A: FUCKS FUNNY
    30. Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
    A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.
    31. Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
    A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..
    32. Q: What’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
    A: The back of my hand.
    33. Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
    A: They both don’t work and always take your money.
    34. Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
    A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
    35. Q: How do they say “fuck you” in Los Angeles?
    A: Trust me.
    36. Q: What do bread and autistic kids have in common?
    A: They both have special needs
    37. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me! One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
    38. Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
    A: They both suck for four quarters.
    39. Q: What is a crack head’s favorite song?
    A: I wanna rock!
    40. Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
    A: Wave to them!
    41. Q: What do you call a gang banger behind bars?
    A: Anything you want.
    42. Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
    A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
    43. Q: What is Superman’s greatest weakness?
    A: A bucking horse.
    44. Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
    A: He got the gas bill.
    45. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
    A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
    46. Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
    A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns
    47. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
    48. Q: What’s sicker than a pile of dead babies?
    A: The one alive in the middle chewing it’s way out.
    [\spoiler]
     
    dbs00, May 26, 2017 IP
  15. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #15
    Get your daily doze of laughter by watching some banned commercials ;)

     
    dbs00, May 28, 2017 IP
  16. BrookeHarper

    BrookeHarper Banned

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    #16
    These commercials were banned for a reason. :D
     
    BrookeHarper, May 28, 2017 IP
  17. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #17
    those are TV banned for being 21+ rated
    we can watch them tho :)
     
    dbs00, May 28, 2017 IP
  18. sarahk

    sarahk iTamer Staff

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    #18
    The jokes are bad enough, we don't need misogyny thrust in our faces.
     
    sarahk, May 28, 2017 IP
  19. jrbiz

    jrbiz Illustrious Member

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    #19
    You, too, apparently.
     
    jrbiz, May 29, 2017 IP
  20. dbs00

    dbs00 Greenhorn

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    #20
    Yea,seems you fellas don't like jokes. Gonna stop wasting my time posting jokes here :)
     
    dbs00, May 30, 2017 IP