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My Sales Letter - Your Opinions Please

Discussion in 'Copywriting' started by DamonDallah, Jul 12, 2008.

  1. #1
    I've been selling this product since 2005 and my original sales letter was horrific. It was a wonder I got any sales.

    Since then I have studied more on the copywriting process using info I've read in books and from the great feedback I have gotten from people in forums like this one.

    I felt the time was right and decided to completely rewrite my sales letter and redesign my site. I'm far from an expert, so this was the best I could do.

    Here it is:

    Beat the System

    Your opinions are greatly appreciated.

    Thanks,

    Damon
     
    DamonDallah, Jul 12, 2008 IP
  2. Devana

    Devana Well-Known Member

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    #2
    I like your sales letter :) Though it was a little long - but of course, most sales letters are. Is it your own product?:)
     
    Devana, Jul 12, 2008 IP
  3. DamonDallah

    DamonDallah Peon

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    #3
    Thanks for the feedback.

    Yes, their all my own products that I personally wrote. And I do agree with you, the letter is too long. That's been my biggest gripe with it.

    I'm afraid that the length of the letter might scare potential customers away. But then again my biggest competitor has a real long sales letter and he does very well, so it's hard to say for sure.

    What gives it its enormous length are the testimonials and the bonus books I offer. If I were to remove them the letter would be cut in half. But obviously that's not something I would even consider.

    Thanks again Devana.
     
    DamonDallah, Jul 12, 2008 IP
  4. justinlorder

    justinlorder Peon

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    #4
    I should learn something in this post. I will try to make my sales letter as attractive and short as possible.
     
    justinlorder, Jul 12, 2008 IP
  5. moratraffic

    moratraffic Banned

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    #5
    Very long but well written. I personally got bored reading but it was more due to the fact that it is not something I am looking to buy. For a person looking for this type of help, it would probably keep their attention better but I would consider cutting it down a tad. Just my opinion but like I said, it is well written and should do fine for you. Good luck with the new copy.
     
    moratraffic, Jul 12, 2008 IP
  6. Wayne Liew

    Wayne Liew Banned

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    #6
    I am thinking of buying reading halfway and I am tired of scrolling but there is no purchase link. (At least your competitor has a pop up halfway through when I am reading)

    You did not follow up lost but interested visitors with like your competitor, which is to use an autoresponder like Aweber or GetResponse.

    You have little vibrant graphics such as a person frustrated at the ticket or a person confronting with a cop or a person celebrating by throwing the ticket away. Also, you need to add photos to your testimonials. If not, it fails to add credibility.

    The above are just my thoughts and not professional opinions though. :)
     
    Wayne Liew, Jul 12, 2008 IP
  7. EbayPower

    EbayPower Banned

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    #7
    To long.... I got bored after the first paragraph
    why not summarize in the first paragraph then go on longer with the others. And if you sperate into a news/sales letter with seperate pages
     
    EbayPower, Jul 12, 2008 IP
  8. renno

    renno Guest

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    #8
    the sales letter looks pretty much good, my suggestion is to add videos, photo testimonials etc
     
    renno, Jul 13, 2008 IP
  9. DamonDallah

    DamonDallah Peon

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    #9
    Thanks for the wonderful replies.

    I've made some changes to the letter and shortened it up a bit. It's still long though. No way around that. But long sales letters do sell as long as you engage the reader and keep them reading all the way to the end.

    How does it look now?

    Beat the System
     
    DamonDallah, Jul 14, 2008 IP
  10. webgal

    webgal Peon

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    #10
    I wouldn't worry about the length. Most people will read it like they want to read it. Some will skim through and hit the subheads and others will read particular paragraphs. I think you've done a good job with it.

    I would put the "Here's a proven way to get..." headline above the warning. There's something about the cadence of the headline, then the warning. Hitting the warning first sort of makes me think this is another sensationalist ploy when it's not. You could also make it a bit smaller and it would have the same effect. So headline, then warning and your copy.

    You've "made the price go away". Your own picture has more credibility than most of the marketers out there. You simply look more genuine which is in your favor.

    Do you have a mailing list?

    The headline is not hard hitting but it's clear and I think the market will be interested anyway. I think I would put a monetary value in there if you were to change it. Here's an example headline quickie:

    now:
    Here's A Proven Way To Get Your Speeding Ticket Dismissed Using My Simple 3 Step Method!

    something like:
    Pay pocket change to find out how to get your speeding ticket DISMISSED.
    Or pay the fine & the $1,050 insurance hike. The choice is yours.

    Subhead can emphasize: Just three easy steps.
     
    webgal, Jul 14, 2008 IP
  11. jhmattern

    jhmattern Illustrious Member

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    #11
    Just wanted to point out a quick typo in the warning -

    In "Legal Strategies That Causes Them To Lose Millions Of Dollars Each Year," causes should be cause. I'm sure it wouldn't bother most people, but since it's currently front and center when a visitor stops by, probably a good idea to fix that. :)
     
    jhmattern, Jul 14, 2008 IP
  12. royalt

    royalt Member

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    #12
    well, joining the others, make it a little shorter.
     
    royalt, Jul 15, 2008 IP
  13. webgal

    webgal Peon

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    #13
    I honestly don't think you need to shorten it considering this particular target market. You have to consider the market and they'll like it. I think if someone is looking for this type of thing, they'll want lots of information.
     
    webgal, Jul 15, 2008 IP
  14. TheRazor5

    TheRazor5 Active Member

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    #14
    Your sales leter look great. It's not that long as you might think.
     
    TheRazor5, Jul 16, 2008 IP
  15. jane_smith79

    jane_smith79 Peon

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    #15
    Hi Damon,

    Instead of "Included Free With Your Order Today", I would put BONUS 1, BONUS 2 etc....
     
    jane_smith79, Jul 16, 2008 IP
  16. sortie

    sortie Peon

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    #16
    I think you did a pretty good job. The design could use a little improving, but it's still pretty decent. The copywriting is so good I found myself reading the whole thing. Hope it's getting you results.
     
    sortie, Jul 18, 2008 IP
  17. malice95

    malice95 Peon

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    #17
    I found it very interested in it but you need a more info or buy now link after the
    3rd page. Stats show that people just arent going to read that much on one page.
    I understand your reasoning for keeping it long but You need to give a person an
    out after page 3.. maybe a newletter sign up or a buy link.
     
    malice95, Jul 18, 2008 IP
  18. gjvblack

    gjvblack Active Member

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    #18
    MAke it a tad bit shorter, reading isnt a big thing today lol, but overall shows professional words and professional style :D
     
    gjvblack, Jul 18, 2008 IP
  19. kiteguy123

    kiteguy123 Guest

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    #19
    I like it, its quite aggressive, but doesn't make you feel like youre being pressured into anything. A bit shorter would be good, but other than that, it's a really good letter :)
     
    kiteguy123, Jul 19, 2008 IP
  20. JoseArmando

    JoseArmando Active Member

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    #20
    I have to disagree with the guys above me, your copy isn't that long.

    Research has shown that the longer and more detailed the sales letter the higher the CTR.

    This is because people who want to buy your book want to get every bit of information about it. See, they want to know exactly what they are buying and the more the information the better.

    Good luck
     
    JoseArmando, Jul 19, 2008 IP