To the citizens of the United States of America! In light of your recent failure ...

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not
fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1) You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

2) Then look up "aluminium" and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

3) The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.
A "curb" will rightly be spelled "kerb," -- and no more "Exit" signs; they
will say "Way Out." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").

4) Consistently using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

5) July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

6) You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

7) Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will immediately
begin driving on the left side of the street. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.

9) The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) -- roughly $11/US gallon. Get used to it.

10) You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11) The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound-for-pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer. They
are also part of the British Commonwealth -- see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12) Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings
and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.

13) You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football -- you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby now -- the South
Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14) Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let
you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15) You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16) An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moneys
due (backdated to 1776).

17) Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers
(never with mugs), with high-quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, and with
strawberries and cream when in season.

God Save the Queen!

John Cleese.

 

The queens pockets arent deep enough to support the USA

I didn't read your whole article. Since im limited to 4 inches by 4 viewing space(I'm at work).

And I would like to know how you figured ALL of America failed? Did we ALL elect BUSH? Hmmm, lets play a game its called "name one thing the UK didn't copy from America? A.K.A "Failures".

Please advise


I have nothing against the UK I have many friends. But you are ridiculous my friend.

 

A fairly typical case one presumes of an American who is not at all familiar with one of the UK's most recognisable actors, who was also one of the originators of the world famous Monty Python series.

Calling me ridiculous, is the very epitome of ridiculousness since you most obviously have no grasp at all for very good dry humour.

May I suggest you do a little research first about John Cleese? It may just help your cause.

And grab yourself a sense of humour whilst your at it!

Silly fellow.

 

Looks like I may have to explain the humour, before someone else takes rather great umbrage through a total misinterpretation of the humour on this side of the pond.

John Cleese is a UK comedian of the highest order and exceptionally well known, having starred on the tv for decades literally myriads of times. He's one of the UK's possible, greatest comedians to have ever lived.

Next they'll tell me they've never heard of The Two Ronnies!

John Cleese of Monty Python fame:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4vuW6tQ0218&feature=related

 

I remember this article from 04, is it even older than that?

 

Come on, my fellow Americans, you're embaressing me.
You all know John Cleese
He's that comedian that got famous for doing the voice of the King on Shrek 2!

Sheesh!

 

Dumb it down a little are you serious? There are 1000s of famous people all over the world you'll never know about in your life time. Unless you spend your life studying them. How is one suppose to know it was a joke? When there are 1000s of posts a day that aren't joking relating to the above. I'm not aware of "John Cleese". I do apologize.

 

I have no problem with that...as long as I can still light off my firecrackers!

 

lol, good one. As a fellow commonwealth citizen I whole heartedly agree. Nothing is greater than the metric system.

God save The Queen.

 

didn't John do "A fish called Wanda"? That one was not bad, but how about the sequel. Hardly a movie that should give someone credentials for deciding the political future of a world power.

 

I like the list. It was long but nice.

 

this is a generational thing, How many people under 25 know who John Cleese is?

 

That was brilliant, I really like the fact that you would have to change your sports and take on South Africa!!!!!!

 

Although it is supposed to be humor, many people will take a crack at the U.S. any chance they get. The United Kingdom will bust our balls, and we'll bust their balls. It's kind of like brothers fighting and joking with each other.

I do have something else to say. UK folks keep making comments about Americans calling it soccer, when YOU are the ones that gave it that name! Tell all your friends in the UK too.

Where Did The Name "Soccer" Come From?
It derived from the name of "Associated Football"

Just as the US' population adds "-y" or "-ish" to informally create an adjective from a noun, British young people (who were the ones who played the game), added "-er".

Lose the "a" and you get "soccer."

 

Is this supposed to be a joke or an insult? *waves the white flag*

 

Nice post there Don't think the Queen would like the trillions of debt she would have to take on.

 

I'm assuming it's a pretty funny read, but it's just too long and I can't be bothered to read this much. Happy 4th of July to our friends down south