i just wrote my first sales page please rate

hi i have just wrote my first sales page
it still isnot complete as i have to add a form and a few links but can you if you have the time take a look and tell me what you think is wrong / right with it

i am open to all kinds of critical comments as i know i need to edit it a bit more before i start promoting but i would like a few more opinions before
url is
www.traveltemptations.info

Cheers
Lee

 

Well, might want to run a spell check on your source. Your title is "Travel Temptaioions"...

 

Too hard to read the text on red background. Make the text table white.

 

I actually think the red / white background quite easy to read. The one thing i would reccommend is investing in quality header design as this will add alot to your site.

One guy I can recommend on here is - mytvlinks

just do a search for thier username on here and PM him, he only charges $4 for headers which is dirt cheap.

Good luck

 

Great attempt here. Just change the headline to red and background to white. You have good talent if you
wrote this yourself!

 

guys..Dont do your own copy if you have not learnt how to.Just spend abit of money and get a copywriter.try and always get a dot com rather than all the other funny looking ones,more credibilty.Revamping your site wouldnt hurt too.

 

If you're going the long copy route i think you could do with a better title:
At the moment you've got "The Travel Temptations Trade Travel card will entitle you to cost price travel for the rest of your life", which is true, but it doesn't get me reading. How about something like

"the amazing ticket to a lifetime of travel bargains" or "How can a card help you beat travel agents at their own game?". they're a bit rubbish too, but a bit more exciting. There's some good info on headlines here:
http://www.copyblogger.com/headline-swipe-file-3/

 

dakingokfings is right - the copy is clunky - it doesn't flow, it's clumsy
"many other travel related product" - nobody talks about a travel related product in normal conversation - what the hell is a travel related product anyway?
"With the ever increasing cost of holidays portrayed to the consumer over the last few years" - this doesn't make sense - portrayed is the wrong word.

and you've got typos and apostrophes in the wrong place - it just doesn't look professional

 

all comments taken on board cheers for all of you taking the time to look
i will get onto polishing up further tomorrow

 

I think the font is a little large. Also, I can't read your chart, it is a little too small, so you might want to make it a link to a larger version so people can read it.