My Press Release - Need Feedback

Just finished my first press release. After learning the basics and following supposed rules and guidelines, this is what I've written. Any constructive criticism and feedback would be great.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - JUNE 19TH 2008
Contact Details:
John Smith - Business
Email:
Mobile: 0412-847-xxx
Home Phone: (02) 8443-xxxx
Web: http://www.com.au

Australian Credit Card Comparison Service Offers Charity Donation for their Online Credit Card Applications.

<Site name> has launched its monthly donation campaign to different charities based on the amount of successful applications to certain credit card providers.

This month in June for instance, $50 is donated to <Charity> for every successful credit card application.

<Site name> has been in operation online since 2005, with a consistently growing user database.

To increase incentive for people to apply for a credit card online through <Site name>, a new charity donation plan has been implemented in order to stand out from the fierce competition of online credit card comparison.

Their goal in the near future is to be credited as notable and consistent charity donating business.

“After displaying the credit card’s features and details, there’s only so much we can offer people.” says John Smith, the site’s manager. “It’s a win-win situation, the consumer goes through no extra process during their application and the donations come straight from the site’s earnings.”

Every month, a new Australian charity in need of donation will be chosen. In July, <Charity> is the scheduled charity of sponsorship.

At present, the charities selected are of management’s choice. If any charities and foundations are interested in a sponsorship from <Site name>, they may contact John Smith.


About <Site name>:
<Site name> specialises in comparing credit cards available for Australians open for online application. It is a part of <Business>, an Australian online marketing firm.
John Smith, the Manager of <Business> is currently in charge of the <Site name> promotional campaign along with the ongoing site development.

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1. Take the period out of the headline. I'd also try to shorten the headline - it seems long. And I'd be more specific about the charity if possible (either the name if it's well-known or at least the type).

2. My general rule is that the first paragraph should answer all of the questions of who, what, when, where, and why. Some people let it break to a second paragraph, but you can usually get it all in there if you're brief about it. Remember, that first paragraph needs to make them want to learn more.

3. When you say "... has launched its monthly donation campaign," you immediately make it sound like it's not newsworthy - like it's something you do all the time. If this is the first month, then you launching the program is the news, but it's not coming across that way to me when I read that intro. The rest of the sentence seems a bit drawn out.

4. The part about being in business since 2005 should probably be in the boilerplate - it's not really relevant to the news.

5. The quote doesn't really have much to do with the news either - make it about why you're donating to charity instead of mentioning things like showing visitors credit card features.

There's more, but I'll give others a chance to chime in first.

 

Great, everything seems so obvious yet I didn't pick up on it.
Actually, #3 and #5 would've gone right over my head.

Also, one thing I didn't find out when reading PR tips was the tense I'm meant to write in. Is it from my point of view i.e 'our site' or 3rd person/subjective?

 

3rd person. Anything else can come across as promotional or more like an advertorial than a press release.

 

Jenn is right on with her tips and suggestions; I couldnt have said it any better!

 

Headline needs shortening

 

Here are some general thoughts (some probably playing off Jenn's comments).

1. Rather than saying "site launched ITS monthly blah," say that the site launched "a" monthly thing. The first is basically saying you do this monthly and it's a new month (so what). The second is going toward saying that you're launching a new campaign, which will run monthly.

2. Your lead (first paragraph) MUST summarize your whole release. Remember, you're not writing a fiction story. This is news.

3. The quote needs to play off of the release and you should move it up. I like getting the quote up higher. The 3rd paragraph is a good place.

4. Don't say things like: "This month in June for instance." Simply say, "In June . . ." and go from there. Or you could give some information on the first charity chosen.

5. The length of the headline is fine technically. There's nothing wrong with longer headlines. However, this one could be shortened. You could take out "for their online blah blah."

6. Stick to AP style. You release needs some work in this area.

7. As Jenn said, the paragraph about 2005 isn't relevant directly and belongs either in a boilerplate OR at the very end.

8. Keep these two words in mind: Inverted Pyramid (look it up if you want). Write using it. Basically, IP simply says that you oder content by most important to least important. This is how the media will be viewing your release.

9. Person titles. Don't say "the site's manager." Give yourself a real title, like CEO John Smith. I don't think there's even such a position as "site manager." If anything, it would be webmaster. Credibility is important.

10. And as always, less marketing, more news.

 

Sorry, Mikesblank, but your press release needs lots of work. This release could do more harm to your brand than good. You can tell that an amateur wrote it.

You seem to have a nice promotion going, so I hope you contact one of the professionals here to put it in a proper spotlight.

I'll just add these specific fixes to what everyone else has pointed out.

-- This is very peculiar in your quote: "... there's only so much we can offer people." Saying this doesn't help sell your service; it makes me think your service is not of much value, so you're resorting to gimmicks. Never admit your weakness.

-- Speaking of your service... you really should explain somewhere very near the beginning what a 'credit card comparison service' is. I truly don't know what it is, so was ready to stop reading when I read the headline. What's the BENEFIT of using your service? Who would use your service? These question should be answered, to entice someone to know they should really keep reading and learn about how you can help them. This is what readers really want to know. What do they get out of it?

-- Stating that it was 'management's choice' seems odd to mention. It's not necessary to know. What's more important and interesting is that your company is inviting the public to nominate more charities as recipients. I don't think you've listed the current recipients, but you should.

-- The sentence that begins "To increase incentive" could use editing, too. The main thing is that I would not allude to the "fierce competition." Maybe the language could say something about 'this being another way we're distinguishing our brand, by making a unique/unprecedented contribution to people in need.'

Hope this helps,

 

There are a few grammatical and nonsensical gibberish in there, as well. Definitely include the whos and whats of the business. And make it exciting. I'm totally not inclined to visit your website now as your press release absolutely bored me.

Check on PR writing materials, ask some questions about what you can do to improve it, take all the feedback you can, rewrite it, and rewash if needed.

 

Thanks everyone for digging into me and the criticisms. I'll be sure to remember it all for future releases.

 

One extremely important issue related to the press releases is its word strength. If you imbibe all the language realted guidelines well and give a real news like title then your PR is perfect. For a news like your's 250-300 words maximum is very much sufficient and I can say that you have passed this first test.
Jenn's formula is the standard one and while carving out a PR you must know how to design it around these basics. You must understand that a busy journalist gets hundreds of PRs like this everyday and the probability of yours getting picked up is really uncertain.
I wish you good luck.

 

I would put contact details at the bottom of the press release too.

Make sure you answer the questions who, what, when, where & how.

 

The main thing I would say that hasn't be said (too much anyway) is cut down your useless word use.
Examples:
Their goal in the near future --> Company aims to be credited as notable and consistent charity donating business.

Even this whole sentence can be rewritten to be more friendly to a journalist like myself, who would likely read right past this sentence. For example:

Company plans to be a consistent charity donating business, with donations planned to blahblah and blahblah.

This tells the journalist WHO you are donated to, gives the reader a charity to relate to, as well as getting your little business plug in the same sentence.

 

Prepare a summary of your press release. Most PR sites ask for this.

Cite the charities that the website gives money to.

Has the website been doing this in the past? Or is this the beginning of a monthly thing?

 

Everyone's saying I should cite the charity I'm donating to...I wasn't actually going to submit it with 'Our <Business> is donating to <Charity>' : /

 

So what is this line for?

<Site name> has launched its monthly donation campaign to different charities based on the amount of successful applications to certain credit card providers.

 

Mikesblank, try to touch the reader on a more personal level. It is about the charity, it is about making a difference. Tell us how these $50 could make a difference for the recipients.

For example, there was this nice promotion of the "split lip" charity where they said something like this: "$xxx can provide split lip operation for one child, $xx can provide this, $xx can provide that... etc". Follow this example and concentrate on charity.

Although I must admit I am an advocate of short paragraphs, yours are too short. It is difficult to read a text where there's only one sentence in each paragraph.

No disrespect for the site's manager but if he can only squeeze two yadda sentences out of himself, he'd better just keep quiet. He must be excited, it's a good thing he's doing. However, it doesn't show.

Yeah, and the title is a miss. It is a promo title and nobody would click it. Go viral, go creative, concentrate on the charity!