The Jokes Thread

Where? ...

 

I keep on reading this topic..

I can't resist it!

 

grandma asks little johny.... "tell me again, whats the name of that german who hides things around our house"

- " Alzheimer, granny, Alzheimer...."

 

Hahahaha

Here's mine..

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

 

I'll have a go too.

A Blonde's Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

 

Teacher Arrested

At New York's Kennedy airport recently, an individual later discovered
to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and
a calculator. At a morning press conference, US Attorney General John
Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious
Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there
are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes".

 

Man! That kept me laughing and laughing again...

 

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason? "Too many deer were being hit by cars," and
he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman,
Kansas.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To
which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He
smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham,
Alabama.

IDIOT CROSSING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked
if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind
people doing driving?" She was a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas.

IDIOT TALKING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the
company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun.
We should do this more often!" Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at
each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas
Instruments.

IDIOT WORKING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and
for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A
deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's Office, no less.

IDIOT WORKING 2
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that
side." This was at the Chevy dealership in Rock Hill, South Carolina!

They walk among us... AND REPRODUCE

 

HILLBILLY DAYVORCE
A Hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a
lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The lawyer said. "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."

The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand Do you have a suit"?
The farmer said. "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sunday's."

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said. "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John
Deere."

The lawyer said. "Does your wife beat you up or something"?
The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said. "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child
was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."

more silly stuff here, got 6 vids/jokes by email from who knows who this morning ...

 

I just got sent this on a mailing list im part of. Read it out loud, it helps you understand it better.

 

bwuahahaha

 

Ohh................ Man !!!! I am falling off my chair reading this. LMFAO, this is mind blowing.

Thanx for sharing it.

 

lol....hahahahahahahahahahah!!!! i was trying to understabd the first part...lol...

 

Two barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for 7-dollars. His competitor put up one that read, “We repair 7-dollars hair cuts.”

 

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink
till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker,slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all
the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"


From: Jordan

 

hmmm.... you musta done something wrong - no image shows p in the post, and if I enter the URL manually, I get...

 

Yep, I realized that error is happening after I moved the site to a new server. Workin on it

Here is a link to what i was TRYING to show:
http://www.factsjokesnfun.com/pictures/funny-news-pictures.html

Its pretty funny actually

 

I read this one on a magazine yesterday..



A police Officer and a drunk driver..


Drunk Driver: What the *heck is the problem officer?


POlice Officer: Over speeding . You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be used against you..


Drunk Driver: Ok, BOOBIES!

 

Sex With The Teacherl

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.

He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"

Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"

So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.

"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"

So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"

The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"