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The Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Dominic, Jul 19, 2005.

  1. oslocal

    oslocal Peon

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    #301
    A priest is seated next to a blury Queenslander on a flight to Brisbane. After the plane is airborne, the stewardess come round for drinks. The Queenslander asks for a Bundy and Coke. The flight attendant then asks the preists if he would like a drink. He replies in disgust: "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whore than let liquor touch my lips!" The Queenslander quietly hands his dink back to the attendant and says, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
     
    oslocal, Jan 17, 2006 IP
  2. lorien1973

    lorien1973 Notable Member

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    #302
    Wal-Mart announced that 2 Jan. 2006 they will be offering customers a new discount item.
    Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1-3 range.

    Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," . "But the right name is important." said Kathy Micken, professor of marketingCustomer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand.

    The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
    10. Chateau Traileur Parc
    9. White Trashfindel
    8. Big Red Gulp
    7. World Championship Riesling
    6. NASCARbernet
    5. Chef Boyardeaux
    4. Peanut Noir
    3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
    2. Grape Expectations

    And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
    1. Nasti Spumante

    The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
     
    lorien1973, Jan 20, 2006 IP
  3. Basoone

    Basoone Peon

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    #303
    Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
    cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
    live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
    to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
    all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

    The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
    apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
    shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
    face or you'll be eaten."

    The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
    in pain, so he was killed.

    The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
    king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
    should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
    ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

    The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
    asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
    second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
    coming with pineapples."


    From: Rizzy
    http://ewebtalk.com/t434-official-jokes-thread33.html
     
    Basoone, Jan 21, 2006 IP
    angel_face and genkied like this.
  4. bananaman

    bananaman Peon

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    #304
    well as much as you probably think that i love banana jokes i really like stupid short stories(this one i made myself):eek:k no one saw da battle coming. except dis guy, he knew and thats why hes in the cool club and-hewhoknew:IT DIS COOLIO DOOOODE!- you can see why we are trying to get him out but HE KNEW ABOUT IT AND-hewhoknew:IT DIS COOLIO DOOOOODE!-YOU! stop doing that!...-hewhoknew:IT DIS OK DOOOOODE!-well at least he is increasing his vocabular-hewhoknew:IT DIS COOLIO OK DOOOOODE!-god help us. anyway on to da stora there were these two army the manly men who are*checks with board* carni-vor-us? ok i think they ment carnees-for-us but the board nerds are too stubborn and dont care. and dee other team were not-manly man HIPPIES vegitarians! so they fought *RAA-RAA-RAA!*so dee meaties won. because they were macho meaty men! and they kicked da tre-hugga ati-oppressors arse! yes it was much fun there were meat and many opening of the whooping butt.THE END!

    the thing you juust read was the stupidest story on earth
     
    bananaman, Jan 21, 2006 IP
  5. Bean

    Bean Active Member

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    #305
    MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think,
    Peter?

    PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. :D
     
    Bean, Jan 21, 2006 IP
  6. oslocal

    oslocal Peon

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    #306
    A baby polar bear asks his mum: "Hey, what sort of bear am I?" "You're a polar bear, son," his mum replies. "I might be a grizzly bear?" the son suggests. "Nope, you're a polar bear," his mum insists. "I might be a koala?" "Nope, you're a polar bear." "I might be a panda?" "You're a polar bear. Ask your father" SO the young bear says: "hey dad, what sort of bear am I?" "You're a polar bear, son," his dad replies. "I might be a grizzly bear?" the son suggests. "Nope, you're a polar bear," his dad insists "I might be a koala?" "Nope, you're a polar bear." "I might be a panda?" His dad gets annoyed and says: "Look I'm a polar bear, your mum's a polar bear and YOU are a polar bear. Why are you asking stupid questions?" The baby bear looks at his dad, shivers and says, "Cos I'm fuckin' frezzing!"
     
    oslocal, Jan 21, 2006 IP
  7. khudania

    khudania Well-Known Member

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    #307
    Q: Why dogs don't marry?
    A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
    Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother tongue?
    Dad: Very long!
     
    khudania, Jan 21, 2006 IP
  8. Nyphra

    Nyphra Peon

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    #308
    Yo mama's so fat, she dont need the Internet, she's already world wide.
     
    Nyphra, Jan 22, 2006 IP
  9. Caydel

    Caydel Peon

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    #309
    What's the difference between Mick Jagger and an Scottish farmer?

    Mick sings, "Hey! Hey! You! You! Get off of my cloud"

    The Scottish farmer yells, "Hey! Hey! McCloud! Get off of my ewe!"

    Brian
     
    Caydel, Jan 22, 2006 IP
  10. itsme

    itsme Well-Known Member

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    #310
    Ok, so it pokes a little fun at Italians... I like Italians and I know they like good jokes so enjoy. :)

    PS: Try to read it with an Italian accent.
    ---

    Mario & Luigi are playing cards (and sipping grappa) at the local Italian club. Mario, with a smile, says to Luigi “Lasta night my wife, she giva me da best blowjob ever!”… Luigi replies in confusion “Mario, what is da blow-job???”

    “MAMA-MIA!” replied Mario, “You don’t know wada blowjob is?!”… Mario continues “I tella you what, tonight you go home, you geta some whipped cream and put it around the baston (dick)… an den, you geda nice red cherry an put it on top… an calla you wife over ‘Hey, coma give me a blowjob!’”

    Luigi says to Mario with excitement “Mario, you right! Tonight, I gonna get a blow-job!”

    …the next day Mario waits for Luigi at the club. Luigi finally arrives, sits at the bar and starts sipping his drink… no mention of last night.

    Mario can’t take it, he asks “Luigi! Whata happen lasta night?”. Luigi replies “Mario, lasta night, no blow-job”. Mario can’t understand what went wrong, it was a perfect plan… so he asks “wada you mean NO BLOWJOB!!!???”. Luigi explains what happened, “I dida everything lika you say… I looked EVERYWHERE for da whipped cream, but no whipped cream NOWHERE! Then I looked EVERYWHERE for da cherry but no cherries NOWHERE!!!… so I see a big bowl of spaghetti, an I take da spaghetti and I put it around the baston (dick)… an I see da big juicy meat ball, so I take da meatball an I put it on top…” Mario can’t take the suspense, he cuts in “an den what happen!??”…

    Luigi continues “Well Mario…. (scroll down)










    “… it looka so good, I ATE IT MYSELF!”
     
    itsme, Feb 5, 2006 IP
  11. bernard82

    bernard82 Peon

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    #311
    :p

    so... :D
     
    bernard82, Feb 5, 2006 IP
  12. Nokia999

    Nokia999 Guest

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    #312
    :d:d:d:d:d
     
    Nokia999, Feb 5, 2006 IP
  13. digimania

    digimania Peon

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    #313
    Hahahaha, funny jokes there. :)
     
    digimania, Feb 5, 2006 IP
  14. digimania

    digimania Peon

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    #314
    Here's mine...

    There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor." :D
     
    digimania, Feb 5, 2006 IP
  15. itsme

    itsme Well-Known Member

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    #315
    How did the Blonde die in the pie eating contest?




    ...the cow stepped on her head. :p
     
    itsme, Feb 6, 2006 IP
  16. digimania

    digimania Peon

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    #316
    Hahaha


    Ok, that's funny. :)
     
    digimania, Feb 6, 2006 IP
  17. BiReL41r

    BiReL41r Peon

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    #317
    Not too funny but here it is...

    A kid goes to Court with his parents

    The situation is that both parents beat their son

    Judge asks ''Who would you like to live with, Simon? Your mom?''

    Simon replies ''No, she beats me''

    Judge asks ''Your dad?''

    Simon replies ''He beats me too''

    Judge asks ''Well who would you like to stay with then?''

    Simon replies ''Seattle Seahawks, they don't beat anybody''

    Like I said, not too funny but there it is...
     
    BiReL41r, Feb 7, 2006 IP
  18. bigdoug

    bigdoug Peon

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    #318
    bigdoug, Feb 7, 2006 IP
  19. netbot

    netbot Peon

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    #319
    Sex Therapy - Florida Style

    A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

    The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

    The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

    The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

    When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

    The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

    This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

    The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!
     
    netbot, Feb 7, 2006 IP
    sachin410 likes this.
  20. tom_ryeback

    tom_ryeback Peon

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    #320
    i like these jokes..have more jokes here!!
     
    tom_ryeback, Feb 8, 2006 IP