To Badly Go - 15 Things That Never Happen In Star Trek

I guess you kind of have to admit to watching Star Trek to get these...
They start off a bit crap, but get better as they go…

November 02, 2005

1. When informed of a crew dispute in the swimming pool on the deck below, Spock says: “It’s like a bridge over troubled water,” and falls about laughing.

2. Uhura puts the Klingons on hold listening to Greensleeves for 10 minutes, causing them to destroy the Enterprise in sheer frustration.

3. Mr Scott’s pessimistic estimate of only being able to manage 30mph by the middle of next week turns out to be accurate, and the Enterprise is toast.

4. Starfleet remove red jumpers from the uniform code, after which the mortality rate of senior crew members on away missions increases dramatically.

5. Phaser gets long overdue development to supplement ’stun’ and ‘kill’ options with ‘a bit winded’, ‘kneed groin’, ’speeded-up Benny Hill-style running about’, ‘morning-after-bad-curry’ and ‘drag queen.’

6. Picard puts up signs on the Bridge and Holodeck reading: “No running, pushing, bombing or heavy petting.”

7. Kirk discovers that when peering into his little viewer, Spock is actually just playing Minesweeper and Tetris.

8. During a major space battle, the Enterprise shields remain intact, no wiring comes loose from the ceiling, and no sudden but containable fires break out.

9. For a laugh on April Fools Day, Worf plays a tape of an incoming Borg vessel on the main viewer, causing everyone else to abandon ship.

10. Having made the exciting discovery of a brand new lifeform, the crew is disappointed to find out that it is, in fact, an entirely familiar lifeform wearing a funny hat.

11. There’s a bizarre time-warp incident that has nothing whatsoever to do with the 20th century.

12. Electrocutions from malfunctioning Bridge panels are banished forever when some resourceful Engineering bod takes it upon himself to install fuses.

13. Captured by a hostile and apparently invulnerable alien race, the crew manage to bribe their way out with sweets.

14. Doors on all Federation starships inexplicably stop going ‘pssht’, which forces Starfleet to order all crew members to make the noise with their mouths.

15. In one unprecedented day on the Enterprise, Mr Scott fails to mention the laws of physics, Dr McCoy avoids going all wild-eyed and melodramatic, Mr Spock’s eyebrow remains unraised, and Captain Kirk avoids snogging the new female arrival, while also keeping his shirt on and untorn.