The Jokes Thread

That was a motivational speech and aside from a sweating problem, I don't see the humor in it. Give the man a break, he is a fat man, in a hot building, in business casual clothing.

 

whatever u say

 

WOW!! that was awsome video.....errr but where is humor BTW??
Forgive the old fat man.

 

And don't you ever forget it.

 

ok.. sorry dudes and sorry Ballmer

 

That is nice....

I could've given some green for that if i hadnt given you the red l8ly.

 

Same, I coulda given green, but, I SO gave you some red.

 

well thats great video !! i like it and yes i never saw that before.

 

If I had his bank balance I'd be as excited as that, and sweaty.

 

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

 

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

 

lol..thats a good one

 

One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."

 

Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night …….. whether you’re here or not.”

(DAMM SHE’S GOOD!)

************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: “Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever ” “Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: “Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last”

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “what took you so long to answer the phone?” She says, “I was in bed.” “In bed this early, doing what?” “Getting a second opinion!”

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home ‘Mother of Six?’ His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************

Marriage (Part V)

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.” more jokes

 

God DAMN! I'm not blaming you Mike. But one thing that totally GRATES MY GOAT is when someone has decided to add in a running commentary to a joke. Damn, it's totally stops me enjoying the joke.

I knew I shouldn't have drunk coffee today.

Another thing that really gets to me is when someone has moved the punchline down a few pages like this...


(WAIT FOR IT)







(GET READY)







(BRACE YOURSELF)







(LOOK, IT'S NOT MY FAULT)







(IT'S COMING UP)







(ANY TIME NOW)







(IT'S GONNA BE WORTH THE WAIT)







(OKAY, READY)


GAH! GET OUT OF MY BLOODY JOKE!!!

 

blackbug - that stuff shits me too!

 

My favorite are momma jokes-my daughter and i used to do momma jokes at bed time:anyway here's one--
Yo momma’s so fat she was in the middle of the highway I tried to swerve but ran out of gas.

 

lol momma jokes rule - give us more fworth

 

Here is one domestic.
Just intro to understand: here are popular jokes about Bosnians - two fictional guys Muyo and Haso.

Here it is:

Muyo and Haso started business. They take loans for spin up. But, business is bad, and they cant get out from problems. Muyo says:

"My dear brother Haso, I cant sleep for nights. There is so much problems.."
- But I sleep like baby, says Haso.
- How you can manage that?!
- Well, I sleep one hour, and then crying next one.

 

Unless I'm missing something here... your joke gets my thumbs down for being a lame racist joke that is in bad taste.

You are a Serbian no? Putting shit on Bosnians right? Keep that crap for your local bar mate.