The Jokes Thread

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped the Frenchman.

Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport"

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" asserted the officer loud enough to draw attention.

The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

 

Very good I like it!

 

Bwhhaha very good.

 

here's another one:

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

 

The luckiest monkey in the zoo

 

skeleton walks into a bar... orders a pint and a mop

 

A new university in California:

 

Long live Granpa!
It seems that French people are now forgetting History.

 

I'm bored, someone post another joke.

 

What's the only problem of owning a dildo farm....

Squatters

 

I've not been following this thread, so hopefully this hasn't already been sent:

Bedtime Poems for Adults

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.


HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.


There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

 

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,''When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'' The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ''I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'' The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, ''It's just 99 cents a word.'' Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, ''I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.''' The telegraph operator shakes his head. ''How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, ''My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow.''

 

Oh man that was painful. My head is sore from laughing. Dominic you should have put a word limit on it. It took 20 mins out of my day to get here...but well worth it. Here's a very simple riddle:

There's a man in a house, all 4 walls point south. What color is the bear?


I'll check back later and see if any DPers are sharp enough to get it.

 

Well don't keep us in suspenders too long, Homer.

Here's one a client sent to me today.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never
shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

 

If all walls point south he must be at the north pole so the bear should be white.

 

3 tampons walking down the street in a row, which one would you talk to?

NONE... they are all stuck up c***s

sorry - Only joke I know

 

e10's dish washing machine:

 

HAAA! How did you KNOW, Crazy Rob?

 

99.9% true

Bingo, you win the prize behind curtain #3 .