Any copywriters willing to help... Revising a marketing headline for a flyer?

I'm hoping to reach some intelligent copy writers out there who are willing to give me a few quick minutes. Long story short, I own a local Austin, Texas lawn service. We are small and focus on providing "hassle free" service to customers who are willing to pay for the perfect lawn all year long. In other words, the wealthy customers. I have identified my target audiences biggest problem over the past few years. Most of these people live in 1,000,000+ dollar homes and desire a service that does everything, includes everything in their service, gives quality work, and most importantly provide a hassle free service, so they don't have to think about the lawn.


Long story short, we're drawing up some new marketing flyers, 20,000 that will be distributed within our 15 mile radius work area. I'm having a hard time coming up with a great headline that snags attention. Although I've done my research on headlines and I know what makes a great headline, it's harder to put into words without the marketing/writing experience.

I want to sell myself on being an "exclusive" service, a service that's smaller, more personal, and one that cares.

The only headline I've came up with that seems to really draw attention after reading it to myself is...


How Much Are You Missing Out On?

Discover The Absolutely Hassle Free Outdoors.



My question is, does this grab your attention and make you want to read on?

 

No.

Have you looked at any marketing materials for high-end products like clothing, investment services, or automobiles, and see what type of wording they use to appeal to affluent potential customers?

One thing wealthy people want is the best and service customized to their needs and nothing in your two examples indicates you are trying to appeal to discriminating customers/clients with your premium landscaping service. (Hint.)

I don't know how effective flyers are when marketing to upper crust customers. Perhaps a pamphlet might be more effective?

 

So you want to go the Jerry McGuire path, eh?

To answer your question though, no. The headline is vague, sounds generic and lacks a call-to-action - which is absolutely crucial for flyers. To be perfectly blunt, it is forgettable.

Further, keep in mind that your target demographic is a valuable one - they've probably been inundated with all manners of pitches, services and products. So much so, they've probably been desensitized to most low-level marketing approach.

In any case, it's difficult to suggest an alternative headline with so little data to work on, but check out the two high-converting headlines swipe files below. They might give you an idea or two.

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I don't think that headline conveys your brand or its message well. 'Hassle free' should be in the top headline as it's the main point you seem to be trying to market. Also maybe use phrases like 'all-inclusive', 'premium service' etc.

 

Your headlines don't state what it is your company does. When using flyers, you have to keep things punchy and to the point.
Tell them what you offer, how it will benefit them and any USP (unique selling points) you have. If you can, try and get these three areas into those first two lines.

 

@ CountryView .......our headline is the first, and perhaps only, impression you make on a
prospective reader.
Without a compelling promise that turns a browser of your content into a
reader of your content, the rest of your words may as well not even exist. So,
from a copywriting and content marketing standpoint, writing great headlines
is a critical skill.
Here are some interesting statistics.
On average, 8 out of 10 people will read your headline copy, but only 2 out of
10 will read the rest.
This is the secret to the power of your headline, and why it so highly
determines the effectiveness of the entire piece.
Remember, every element of compelling copy has just one purpose — to get
the next sentence read. And then the sentence after that, and so on, all the
way down to your call to action. So it’s fairly obvious that if people stop at the
headline, you’re already dead in the water.
The better your headline, the better your odds of beating the averages and
getting what you’ve written read by a larger percentage of people.

 

How many of those 20,000 flyers do you think the decision makers of the household will ever actually see?

Chances are good it will get thrown out with the other junk mail or ripped off the doorknob and crumpled into a ball. If it's the sort of place where there might be staff getting the mail, chances are even better that it will never get where it needs to be.

Our neighborhood is way down on the socio-economic spectrum from the one you are targeting. Of the folks who use a lawn service, they hired based on recommendations of other neighbors or friends in other neighborhoods. There's just too many guys with a lawnmower who think they can make some easy money being a "landscaper." They might show up and do an OK job the first time, but, they generally disappear and don't come back.

If you were my client, I would suggest you get a website together. Make it posh-looking. Lots of beautiful yards that you already take care of. Testimonials, etc. That will immediately set you apart from the guys with a pick-up truck, small trailer, a mower and a weed-whacker. It gives you permanence and gives potential clients the message that you are an actual business.

Then, I would go old school. Try to get into the neighborhood. Knock on the doors of the messiest yards if you have to. Maybe troll the neighborhood and see who is already providing yard services. If you're lucky, they'll have more business than they can handle and will provide the introductions. Find out what they charge and maybe offer a special introductory rate to give you a chance.

As to your headline? Crumple it into a ball and forget it. It's full of negative imagery, offers no hint of what you offer and it sounds more like a vacation brochure than one for a landscaper.

 

Hey CountryView I'm from San Antonio. It's great to meet another Texas entrepreneur!

I would agree with the other forum members here. Your headlines don't really grab my attention. It's hard for me to tell what the flyer would be about.

You also want to keep in mind that your headline will be the very first (and sometimes last) thing your prospects read before anything else. You want to make sure your headline addresses your target audience, mentions your USP, and speaks to their emotions. Remember that "words tell but emotions sell." I would spend some time brainstorming what kinds of pains/problems/predicaments your target audience (in your case, local wealthy homeowners and maybe even landlords) deals with.

I would also encourage you to read the book "Cashvertising" by Drew Eric Whitman. It contains a wealth of info on consumer psychology and how to perfect your headline and other aspects of copywriting. It might even be available at your local library.

I hope this helps. Best of luck!

 

Hey, not sure if you realize this, but an awesome slogan would actually be : 'Perfect Lawn - All Year Long' ... and then just a brief headline such as :

Premium Lawn Care Services for a Great Looking Yard Year-Round

or add the 'All Year Long' at the end.

I'm based in Austin TX also and I do copywriting and content marketing for local businesses, as well as optimizing the content for search engines. Would be glad to help out and provide samples if you need, let me know.

 

Gavin,

Do you have an email or would you mind emailing me at my personal email address. I would love to speak with you.

Thanks, Mike