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Would anyone be able to critique my writing?

Discussion in 'Copywriting' started by BumbleBeeTuna, Nov 20, 2013.

  1. #1
    Hi thanks for looking!
    I'm fairly new to writing, but I really enjoy it! Just wondering if anyone could possibly read the following passage and give me some pointers to make it better! It would be very much appreciated! Thank you guys!



    The rustling of leaves echoed through my ears and piercing hues of green came rushing through my pupils. I sat on my own, looking out through the clarity of the glass at the garden. The trees swayed in front of the bright blue backdrop, whilst the clouds puffed up like candy floss forming a soft delicate whipped sky to gaze upon. It is peaceful here. The twittering of birds and the fresh scent that clings to your nostrils invites you to surround yourself in the tranquil atmosphere. Before you know it, the air takes your hand and leads you outside to the open space that lies ahead. I took a seat on a chair next to the table and before long the delicate touch of the cat from next door, came weaving in and out of my legs like a cross stitch, depositing his singular strands of hair on my legs. Whenever I see him, he never fails to amuse me. His ponderous yet slightly mischievous walk and the curiosity that beams from his eyes gives him such character.
    The steam from my tea dissolves into the air, as I lean in for sip. How could the morning be any sweeter than this.

    As I looked behind me at the arbour, framing the beautiful landscape beyond, the cat had continued his stress free journey for the day, letting mother nature shower him with pleasure and freedom . As I went to pick up my cup, the reflection of the glass table flipped my view of reality and I began watching the world from a different perspective. How delectable the world is.
     
    BumbleBeeTuna, Nov 20, 2013 IP
  2. recraig2

    recraig2 Well-Known Member

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    #2
    REVISED SUGGESTIONS
    The rustling leaves bounced around in my head. A multitude of greens pierced my pupils. They rushed in to dance with the promises whispered by the leaves. I sat on my own, gazing outside at the garden. The trees teetered before the brilliant blue backdrop. Meanwhile, the clouds puffed each other up, a candy floss whipping the sky into a delicate froth. I exhaled gently, not to inadvertently blow the whole thing away.

    Worbling birds and the fresh scent, clinging in my nostrils, were inviting me to jump into this tranquil sea. Before I knew it, the air had taken my hand and led me outside into the open air. I sat on a chair next to the table and soon a cat brushed my leg, then delicately began weaving in and out of my legs like a cross stitch. He was dropping strands of hair on my legs. Whenever I see him he amuses me. His mischievously ponderous walk and the curiosity that beams from his eyes tell me he has his own thoughts that I cannot control.

    The steam from my tea dissolves into the air and I lean forward for a sip. How could the morning be sweeter!
    ________________________________________________________________________________


    The rustling of leaves echoed through my ears (something more tangible, like bounced around in my head) and piercing hues of green came rushing through my pupils. (avoid -ing words, as they are more passive and do not engage the readers ACTIVELY in your writing. Try something like a multitude of greens pierced my pupils, rushing in to dance with the rustling leaves).

    So now you have: The rustling leaves bounced around in my head. A multitude of greens pierced my pupils. They rushed in to dance with the promises whispered by the leaves.

    I sat on my own, looking (we have so many variations of looking that are so specific and lively there is no excuse to use such a general and uninteresting verb as look or see or watch) out through the clarity (this works against your vision of the garden, ironically, because the words themselves describe a transparency, but the presence of this actually creates at best a translucency - ignore the glass, it has no purpose in the writing) of the glass at the garden. The trees swayed in front of the bright blue backdrop, whilst (archaic words should only be used if the entire writing is building a tone of a certain period or contributes to the character being churchy or something else that requires outdated language) the clouds puffed up like candy floss forming (avoid inert words like forming in creative writing) a soft delicate whipped sky to gaze upon (huh? gaze? Use a thesaurus if you cannot come up with a better word here. ;-) ). It is peaceful here. The twittering (this word is tainted now with the rise of Twitter - I would say worbling or some synonym) of birds and the fresh scent that clings to your nostrils invites you to surround (try a more vibrant alternative) yourself in the tranquil atmosphere. Before you know it, the air takes your hand and leads you outside to the open space that lies ahead. I took a seat on a chair next to the table and before long the delicate touch of the cat from next door, came weaving in and out of my legs like a cross stitch, depositing his singular (why singular? Because you read it somewhere else? It makes no sense. Strands are always singular. It is redundancy and should be deleted from your writing) strands of hair on my legs. Whenever I see him, (review dependent and independent relative clauses and the use of a comma vs. the absence when appending clauses) he never fails to (this phrase never fails to is an obtuse construction that robs your writing of the magic. Avoid such inane uses.) amuse me. His ponderous yet slightly (useless building of scaffolding - His mischievously ponderous walk... placing mischievous first reduces it to a lesser quality, without building scaffolding to describe the same thing) mischievous walk and the curiosity that beams from his eyes gives him such character (Ouch! gives him such character - WHAT character? Show the character with his actions).
    The steam from my tea dissolves into the air, as (not as, but and) I lean in for sip. How could the morning be any (distracts from the punch that the words themselves are trying to deliver, but without any) sweeter than this (ending on such neutral words, than this, robs your writing of its color).
     
    recraig2, Nov 20, 2013 IP
  3. BumbleBeeTuna

    BumbleBeeTuna Member

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    #3
    Thank you so much for the revision! It makes much more sense now! I'm very new to writing, so I can only apologise for my appalling writing! Only now that you have pointed out the mistakes, I notice how shoddy my writing really is! Back to the drawing board ! Thanks so much!
     
    BumbleBeeTuna, Nov 20, 2013 IP
  4. recraig2

    recraig2 Well-Known Member

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    #4
    It's not so bad. You can't steer a docked ship, right? There are just a few principles to keep in mind that will help you create stunning work. Good luck. May I add you to my friends?
     
    recraig2, Nov 20, 2013 IP
  5. BumbleBeeTuna

    BumbleBeeTuna Member

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    #5
    Thank you for your kind words! I do love to write, especially creative passages, but I do need a bit of refining! I'm a little rusty I believe! :) Yes, that would be great! Thank you again!
     
    BumbleBeeTuna, Nov 20, 2013 IP
  6. Spoiltdiva

    Spoiltdiva Acclaimed Member

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    #6
    Not bad, not bad at all. In fact I rather liked it. But keep in mind when writing that the first line is the hook. I would have gone with something like: "The echoing of leaves created a symphony in my ears". I would have left out the part with the pupils, and let the reader focus on what was happening with the rustling of the leaves.
    You want to have something different and original for your opening line, good luck with all.
     
    Spoiltdiva, Nov 20, 2013 IP
  7. BumbleBeeTuna

    BumbleBeeTuna Member

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    #7
    Hey spoiltdiva! Thanks for the comments! I glad you think it isn't bad, as I am rather rusty when it comes to writing, but really want to be better as I enjoy it! :)
     
    BumbleBeeTuna, Nov 20, 2013 IP
  8. Vlasic

    Vlasic Active Member

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    #8
    As Spoiltdiva already mentioned, the opening line can make or break the deal. Now, I am saying this from a reader's perspective: if I see nature descriptions in the first paragraphs of the first chapter, I close the book and forget about it, unless it's by someone whose prose I've read and enjoyed before. If you have a story to tell, give the reader something catchy right there in the first paragraph. I appreciate finely crafted lines, but not for the sake of eloquence, no. If you write prose, there must be a story, or a message, something to relate to. When your character has made the emotional connection with the readers, you can dwell on his or her peaceful morning. If I were a close friend of yours, I would have definitely liked, praised and commented on your contemplations on Facebook because there would have been an emotional connection between you and me. But the reader is a stranger, a passer-by.

    I would suggest joining a writers' community, something like this, or Grammarly's Facebook community of the English language nerds. You would benefit from a personal blog where you can share your writing with relevant audience and get their feedback. I recently befriended a writer on WP. I haven't had time to read her fiction yet, but I definitely like her blog. Best of luck and keep writing!
     
    Vlasic, Nov 20, 2013 IP
  9. BumbleBeeTuna

    BumbleBeeTuna Member

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    #9

    Thank you very much for your reply! Your words will help when it comes to writing later on! :)
     
    BumbleBeeTuna, Nov 20, 2013 IP
  10. matt_62

    matt_62 Prominent Member

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    #10
    I quite liked your little article. I have no writing skills what so ever, so take my comments with a grain a salt.

    I find that the word "hues", "clarity", "delectable", "ponderous ", "arbour" are words that I cannot connect with. I know what they mean, but I find them a little obscure, or at least, are words that are incommon to me and as such, they feel out of place - thats not saying anything is wrong with your article, (probly more saying something wrong with me), i guess it all comes down to your target audience.

    I also find that words such as "depositing", and "nostrils" have a negative undertone, while you are using them in a positive approach.

    One thing that I found was this "The steam from my tea dissolves into the air, as I lean in for sip. How could the morning be any sweeter than this." - to me this statement closes the article, while it is still open.

    This is how I would write the two last paragraphs together into one ending paragraph:

    "As I looked behind me at the arbour, framing the beautiful landscape beyond, the cat had continued his stress free journey for the day, letting mother nature shower him with pleasure and freedom . The steam from my tea dissolves into the air, spreading with it a warm aroma that enticed me to draw a sip. As I went to pick up my cup, the reflection of the glass table flipped my view of reality and I began watching the world from a different perspective. How delectable the world is. "

    (Note, I kept the majority of the paragraphs as you had them, only showing you how i would merge them together. In my revision, I havent paid attention to the excellent suggestions of the others in this thread. I still think there might be better closing statement such as "what a perfect way to start the morning".)
     
    matt_62, Nov 20, 2013 IP
  11. BumbleBeeTuna

    BumbleBeeTuna Member

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    #11
    Thank you very much for your help :) it's much appreciated! I really want to be better so I hope I can improve :)
     
    BumbleBeeTuna, Nov 21, 2013 IP
  12. BigTeddyBigDeals

    BigTeddyBigDeals Greenhorn

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    #12
    I just also want to say that I liked your article, it's differently a different style of writing than I have, but I was able to follow it coherently and I thought had a fairly easy to read style. Good work, look forward to seeing more from you :)
     
    BigTeddyBigDeals, Dec 5, 2013 IP