Need your copywriting advice/expertise for a few of these headlines

Hi Guys, I'm not as experienced as some of you are here when it comes to writing copy. I'd like your feedback on some of these lines for a few of my services.

I've written some headlines. But I'm not sure how good they are. I need some help crafting some really good ones. Here they are:


EasyMango ... http://easybuckets.skakunmedia.com

• Track your projects in stages so you and your team are always on the same page.
  
• Easily organise and track the stages of your projects from start to finish.
  
• Tag and organise your projects. Track the stages of completion so you're always on track.
  
• Stay on track and in control. Organise your projects from start to finish.
  
• Never loose control of your projects again. Stay organised and track your progress.

http://Moveelo.com

• Easily create a desktop, mobile & tablet-friendly website.
  
• Easily create a desktop, mobile & tablet-friendly website for your small business.
  
• Mobile, tablet and desktop-friendly websites for your small business.
  
• Get a desktop, mobile & tablet-friendly website.

 

Well on the 10th line here, the word is 'lose.'

In the first bunch I would just use something like: Track the stages of your project from start to finish.
In the second lot, I like the 3rd headline best.

A couple of general tips: read your stuff out loud. If it trips off the tongue easily and sounds good, then it may be passable.

Secondly: When you've made it as good as you possibly can, put it away for a couple of days. One day minimum, then look at it afresh. You'll be astonished sometimes at how some things assault your senses the second time. You'll think: how come I didn't see or didn't notice such and such...

 

Very true. I went with something similar to the third. The Moveelo on, I worked on a little more, wrote about 6 more headlines before getting comfortable with it. Now I'm letting them stew for a little before revisiting them.

 

Divide and Conquer. Organise your projects from start to finish.

Number 2 from EasyMango reads the best.


Moveelo:
Your option #4 I like best.

Your website on any device, any where.

The internet has evolved, time to make your website Tablet, Mobile & Desktop friendly.



Just a couple quick ideas I hope you like

 

Great! Number two is actually what I used: http://easymango.skakunmedia.com "Easily organise and track the stages of your projects from start to finish."

With http://moveelo.com I went with this:
Create a website for your business that fits all devices


of one billion hand-held users



Then I used "The internet has evolved, time to make your website Tablet, Mobile & Desktop friendly." As a quote above the subscribe box.

 

Okay, None of the headlines are bad, per se, but they don't reach out and grab me. One school of copywriting says that just being clear is enough, but another says use an emotional appeal.



Your headlines are in the first school, for sure, and there is nothing wrong with being there.

But what about trying some of the more emotional second school headlines as a trial...

For instance, "Easily create a desktop, mobile & tablet-friendly website" could be...

"Website Owner Finds the Magic Ingredient to Save His Failing Business" ... and then you explain how the Moveelo.com service is the "magic" with its' mobile app development.

Try both types of headlines and see what works the best...a split test, if you like.

Rocky
www.colewriting.com

 

While we're about it, I'll mention this. With the obvious disclaimer that there are no hard and fast rules to headline writing. But one way, for what it's worth, and hoping this helps, is to write the body copy: all the words of the ad. Sometimes after doing that, the headline seems to just write itself if you see what I mean. Maybe that's what you've been doing?

 

On your Moveelo site itself:
Might want to start out with the:

There are 1 Billion handheld device
users in the world!
Create An Engaging Website That Looks
Great On Any Device!

 

I like the headline you wrote. Shows direct benefit of visiting the site.


Rocky
www.colewriting.com

 

Good point on writing the body first and then the headline writes itself. The one thing I would add is that the Headline can be written in a way to compliment the body of the copy and also catch the reader's attention. Bob Bly is really good at doing this.


Rocky
www.colewriting.com

 

There's something I might have added to my last post on making headlines. I thought of it after.
A worked as a freelance copywriter until Life intervened. When doing a job for a client, I quizzed them about what set their business apart from other similar businesses in the field. I needed to know this vitally. However much digging I had to do, my work for them (usually mailshots) would be little different than glorified article writing unless I got this data - what was special about them.

Frankly, what's special about a customer's product may not actually be special at all. It's just that it's identified as something brilliantly desirable. Other available products have it. But you've said to the customer: "hey come over here and get it!"

Let's be less fancy and say that you're selling computer products pretty much the same as anybody else's. But only you have a customer helpline available 24/7. That's unique to you. That's your Unique Selling Proposition. Great. Run with it. It's something your readers can latch onto as very desirable to have.

The USP goes in the headline. When you come up with a USP that does the job, you know the time spent digging it up was very well spent. And boy does the customer love you...Hope that helps.

 

Axxil makes a very good point about the unique selling proposal (USP) being in the headline, and also about asking the business owner/client the question, "What makes your product special?" I think by asking that question and getting an answer you are getting key information to write the copy. If you can get a reader interested and thinking about what the product can do for them then you are halfway to where you want to be.

Rocky
www.colewriting.com

 

Putting copy away for a bit and reading the copy aloud are good habits to form. Go work on something else and then come back to it later.


Rocky
www.colewriting.com

 

WOw, I really love all of this feedback.


I agree that the headlines need to have more emotional appeal. I think setting up some tests on Facebook ads might help. I could try different highlines there. Split test two headlines on the website. For example: First school, second school. One very clear headline and the other more appeal. Also, reading out loud, re-writing and continuing to generate new headlines should be a common thing for me. That way I'm always improving one of the most important aspects every day and testing what works and what doesn't.

This is what I will do: 3 website headlines tested over say 10 different Facebook ad headlines. I will track the stats via a cookie and a trackable url that gets set for each headline test.

I really like these examples you guys are giving me. Sometimes a person needs anothers' perspective. I'm going to write lots of these headlines.

Once I have the hard data, I can reuse these headlines on blog posts, newsletters and so on.

I can't thank you guys enough for the help.

As for EasyMango. I think there's a lot of more work to be done there also.

 

Hey, I've been taking a look at this tool recommended by a top blogger.
http://www.aminstitute.com/headline/index.htm
Have you used it, would like to hear the results.

 

I looked at the website and tried the headline evaluator. It was interesting. I may try a few more headlines and see what it shows.

 

How do you all like this. After my huge subscriber surge, I pivoted the idea and I'm moving in a slightly different direction. Same basic idea. Tell me what you think of this new page:

http://collabmango.com

(it was EasyBuckets, then EasyMango, now CollabMango)

 

Even thought the no-BS part sends out a strong message, I'm not sure if I'd use it as a headline for a business. The farthest I'm willing to go with something like that would be for a blog's tagline.

The line is too loose and very difficult to understand. If you want to capture someone's attention, you will have to do it on the first go (the first time s/he reads it. Don't make them read it again to understand it) or you would have lost a potential client.

Reword it a bit better and try to put in more useful, valuable info in there.

P.S.: I haven't put a lot of thought into it but try to replace "no-BS" with something like "easy-to-use" and "stop the chaos and get back to business" can be replaced with "who love being organized".

So it would read something like:

"The easy-to-use web collaboration app for digital professionals who just love being organized!"

This is just a suggestion and you do not have to go about it as it is. As I said before, I haven't put a lot of thought into it. Just wait for what others have to say about this...

 

Thanks, great suggestion.

Even better, why not "The easy-to-use web collaboration app for designers, coders and online professionals who just love being organized!"

More specific. Someone who doesn't understand English very well could understand this. "online professionals" sounds too elusive and not everyone for the coders, designers market might be able to relate.