“In a time of drastic change, it is the learners who inherit the future.†– Eric Hoffer, philosopher Another quote: "Instead of thinking about where you are, think about where you want to be. It takes twenty years of hard work to become an overnight success." by Diana Rankin
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
LOL heres some that are true primary school teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by 6 year-olds, (the last one is classic!) Strike while the ..........................insect is close. Never underestimate the power of............ants. Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty. Better to be safe than......................punch an older boy. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning. It's always darkest before..................Daylight-Saving Time. You can lead a horse to water but...........how? No news is..................................impossible. A miss is as good as a......................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new..............maths. Love all, trust.............................me. The pen is mightier than the................pigs. An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's.................pollution. Happy is the bride who.........................gets all the presents. A penny saved is............................not much. Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose. There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries. You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box. When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way. And the favourite: Better late than............................pregnant!
"Smiles are contagious. Be a carrier!" "Let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy day." - Lawrence Welk "SMILE and be happy, the day is brand new. This is the day the Lord made for YOU! "Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles." - George Elio "A Smile is a powerful weapon. You can even break ice with it. "Don't start to frown, it's never in style... just do your best to smile, smile, smile! "A smile is like looking in a mirror. If you give a smile you're likely to get one back!" SMILE. Some people think it's wads of cash that make a life worthwhile. But what makes this world a better place is a super, smashing SMILE! ~ Morgan Falchi "Smile if it kills you. The physiology of smiling diffuses a lot of anger and angst. It makes your body and soul feel better." - Tom Peters Don't cry because it's over, SMILE because it happened!
When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only i suffer!!! One day Santa's Girlfriend asks him, Darling, om our Engagement will you give me a RING?Santa:Ya sure, Give me ur Telephone No. When I was born Devil said...Oh Shit!!! Another GOD!!!..& When u were born devil said ...Oh Shit!!!!Competition...!!! .... Fill in the blank...Im ur .....friend- a)-Cute b)-Sweet c)-Loving d)-Boy/Girl e)-Best of all Reply is a must... Do U know the fullform of COLLEGE- C-Come,O-On,L-Lets, L-Love, E-Each,G-Girl,E-Equally......Thats why boys go to college regularly.... Who said english is easy???Fill in the blank with YES or No... 1.-----I dont have brain... 2.-----I dont have sence... 3.-----I am stupid.... If ur world is spining Round & Round..& Round....Ur heart is beating fast ,do u think its LOVE? no its called high B/P... Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year, Happy Easter, Good luck on Valentines, Spooky Halloween & Happy Birthday Now bug off and don't annoy me for the next 12 months!!!! what happend 2 ur mobile? i was trying 2 call u but i got this msg: welcome 2 D jungle network,D monkey u r tring 2 call is on tree plz try later. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering Last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky...then i thought where is the roof Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don't worry I don't cry, I'm just happy that cows can't fly! If your a Vegetarian to be nice to animals, why are you eating there food
* It is very simple to be happy. But it is very difficult to be simple. * Q- What is the difference between the people who pray in the church, and those who pray in casinos? A-The ones in the casinos are serious. * Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'. * It is very easy to fall in love but it is difficult to find one who can catch you. ..! * " Get a Life or Die Trying " * Life is one. Live it. * A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; The husband gives and the wife takes.
ur so fat that ur taller lying down ur so fat that when u go to the beach the wales start singing "we are family" ur so fat that when u walk past the tv u miss 10minutes of the show ur so fat that every time u turn around it's ur birthday i don't reall mean this your so fat when you sit on a gamecube it becomes a gameboy. your so fat people jog around you for exercise. your so fat when you put on a yellow raincoat people yell 'taxi' at you. your so fat when you tell your friend to meet you at the corner the corner becomes round. your so fat you could sell shade so a man walks into the bar & orders 10 shots of vodka, bartender asks, "what's wrong"? he says, " i just found out my brothers gay" bartender says, " ok drink up, next day the guy comes back and orders 15 shots of vodka. bartender says, "whats wrong today today?" he said i just found out my other brother is gay, bartender says ok drink up. next day he comes back in and orders 20 shots of vodka. batender asks whats wrong this time. he says i just found out my dad is gay. bartender asks, " doesnt anyone in your family like kitten?" he said, " yea my sister" ur funny, im funnyier ur so fat u stepted on adollor and a hundred pennnies came out ur so fat when it was raining and u went outside and every1 cheered ur so stooopid u brung a spoon 2 the superbowl ur so stoopid u got locked in sleepys and slept on the floor ur so stoopid u got locked in the super market and died of starvation u like that dont u , well i rule and u think im funny ((((((((jus kidding)))))))))))
ROTFLMAO Here are few of my favorite: Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie’s lamp. After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, The Genie said, “I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.†The first said, “I wish I were smarter.†So, she became a redhead. The second blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than she is.†She became a brunette. The third blond ordered, “I wish I were smarter than both of them!†So, she became a man.
Donating clothes I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to kiss my ass! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving! LOL
UNIVERSAL TRUTHS 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever. 15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. 17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it. 22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. 23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text. Come on people…honk if you believe in God, text if you want to meet Him. 24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an ass from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year? 29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. 30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. 31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
God created us with his wonderful hands… He is the potter, we are the clay. Good morning to one of God’s wonderful creation!
Life has no rewinds and forwards. It unfolds itself at its own pace. So never miss a chance to live today and make a beautiful story for tomorrow.
I just read this one today... made me chuckle What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business! Zing!
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men 's balls . THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' . I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied.. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak!!!
i soon found out you can't change the world. The best you can do is to learn to live with it. Henry Miller