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Please reeview my sales page

Discussion in 'Copywriting' started by brisse, May 12, 2010.

  1. #1
    I want to improve my sales page, could you guys give me some feedback.

    You can see the page here
     
    brisse, May 12, 2010 IP
  2. MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

    MarkAndrews IMCopywriting Peon

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    #2
    Hello Brian

    Switch the emphasis away from yourself to selling your major benefit/s and what is precisely in it for your prospects.

    Okay, so this is a tiny 'sales pitch' - nothing wrong with that but there are far too many mentions of...

    I this, I that, I can, I will...ad infinitum.

    Try and use the words 'you' and 'your' a lot more often instead and you will receive a lot more interest and hopefully inquiries.

    Best,


    Mark Andrews - Copywriter
     
  3. dyadvisor

    dyadvisor Peon

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    #3
    THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT GOOGLE SEES
    hire a content writer login contacts faq blog welcome to hire a content writer i am very excited to introduce hire a content writer a service offering custom made articles my name is brian nielsen and i am an online internet marketer who got tired of writing my own articles i tried different online services but did not always find the delivery time and quality to fit my needs often i had to overpay for the quality that i needed and if i tried to get an article cheap i found it was often not readable thinking that i could as well just had written it myself i want to make a promise that we will deliver articles in the quality that you expect and if you’re not happy with our service for whatever reason i will do my very best to solve whatever problem may arise hire a content writer only works with the best people our application process includes a comprehensive writing test and no matter how good a writer is he will always start out on the basic level as the writer works and proves that he can write articles that are better than what is expected he will be admitted to take on work from a higher level brian nielsen why buy articles from us competitive quality our main focus is to ensure that you get the quality that you paid for if you don’t like a writer you will be able to black list him editorial staff to ensure the quality of the articles you buy we have editors in place that will read all articles before they are approved if an article is not good enough it will be returned to the writer right to revision if you’re not happy with your article you can disapprove an article and request a revision competive prices imagine you can buy a 100 words article for 1 usd which are readable we strive not to be the cheapest but to deliver good quality custom made articles that fit your needs customer service we listen to the feedback given from our customers which give us the knowledge to grow our business satisfied customers gives us more repeated business get started now competitive prices 1 star 1 1 cent per word great content for your linkbuilding 2 stars 1 6 cent per word great for ezine articles hubs etc 3 stars 2 1 cents per word content for your blog or website 4 stars 5 6 cents per word articles that requires more research read more web sales llc ©2010 hireacontentwriter com all rights reserved

    436 words minus 100? Google Stop Words = 336 (Google does not read stop words like a, the, 1, 2, etc, all, be, good, better, don't and on and on) DULL , no motivational effect.

    Suggestions:1.Please use Marks ideas first 2. Words --- cheap – competitive – quality do not match
    Best suggestion: You need serious help, I will assist if wanted (free) Ideally this should be written like a quality article that ranks in Google. That is what your client wants. Quality attracts Quality

    (low traffic) ---- Your Alexa rank (lower the better), is 2 million higher than one site I have not yet launched
     
    dyadvisor, May 13, 2010 IP
  4. FreebieGiver

    FreebieGiver Peon

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    #4
    I totally agree with the above 2, markandrews and dyadvisor. Please remove the I's or minimize them.
    Your idea is excellent, brilliant to say the least, however the copy should be polished/finetuned for more
    results. If u take my service, i'll make sure to give u a rewrite based on keyword research , market trends
    and high ranking in search engines. If u want my service, pm me.
    Further tips :
    See what the market wants/What market wants to buy
    Keep yourself in the customers shoes with the customers problem

    Mention that you suffered the same problem and how tough it was. Talk about the
    struggle you had to go through and all the false advice and scam products that
    you already tested

    Then , in the main body, give some tips and tricks that helped you overcome whatever you were suffering from.
    Hope this helps.
     
    FreebieGiver, May 15, 2010 IP
  5. MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

    MarkAndrews IMCopywriting Peon

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    #5
    Why would the OP want or desire a rewrite from an individual...

    Who obviously couldn't give a darn about proper grammar or punctuation, not to mention a person who cannot even spell the most basic of words?

    How precisely is this going to help his conversions?

    Best,


    Mark Andrews - Copywriter
     
  6. InkCreativeStudios

    InkCreativeStudios Greenhorn

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    #6
    Try reading material on TextBroker.com and similar websites you'll be competing with.

    People don't care about you, as mentioned above. They care about getting their problem solved. Give a suggestion about why they should hire your team and not another company. What do you offer them? A user may be tired of trying to hire writers individually and want to work with a team that promises quality and checks for duplicates. You may want to brag that you check articles through Copyscape Premium, and ensure that no content is written from PLR content, for the sake of quality, as an example.

    You may want to post examples of what a "1 star" article looks like compared to a "5 star" article. You may also want to suggest why a website would want to bother with 1 star articles and why they should get a 5 star writer. I know you've hinted at suggestions as to what they could use it for, but it would help if you had examples and reasons why they would bother buying 'poor content' when they could get 'well researched articles'. This is only because you suggested you were tired of getting poor quality articles and paying a high price. But you've made the suggestion that some of the articles you sell (1 star) aren't good enough for Ezine. (Level 2 star writers can write Ezine articles.) You've even posted on the next page that those articles may not be grammatically correct. They may as well hire a writer for $2 an article if they want to take the time to fix it. Your promise in your first paragraph doesn't align with what you offer.

    Additionally, you may want to suggest the quality of your team. I don't care that you were an internet marketer. I want to know about the guy writing my articles. Where have they been published? If they are great writers, why are they bothering to write for you? (No offense, but it's what I'll be thinking.)

    By the way, I know your sales page is new, but where are you getting your writers from and what's your pay rate for them? I know a few who may be interested in writing for those rates (or slightly less) to write a decent article.
     
    InkCreativeStudios, May 15, 2010 IP
  7. dyadvisor

    dyadvisor Peon

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    #7
    I had mentioned the framework of what you said earlier in a different post. Now you have expanded on it.
    No offense to Mark, but I do not thnk this is yet ready to be reviewed by a professional sales copywriter, which I have done very few of in my life. This a whole different area of copywriting expertise.

    As an alternative you should do maybe as I did, growing up in Murder Capital Detroit. Detroit was the home of Vernor's Soda, and a big favorite was called a Boston Cooler. That was made with Vernor's and ice cream.
    A nearby kid, suggested we have a "poor man's Boston Cooler." This used the tasty Vernor but substituted the quality vanilla ice cream for milk. Not as good, but still thirst quenching. You might want to do likewise.

    Instead of all the narrow long, long top. Restrict to reading like a 500 word article. (1) ATTENTION-- By Writing Articles I Earned Only $800 Monthly, Then I Learned These Secrets" (2)INTEREST AND CONVICTION How 4 things changed that (customer benefits)
    (3) DESIRE "Now I am glad I can share with you, the secrets I learned. I started by burning to ashes every book on -------" (4) CLOSE... Below I am offering the first 37 people a free secret, found in a book copy I am sending)

    Then continue with the great bottom portion. Count any "I or me" as minus -2 points, Every you, your, or benefit , gain word as Plus +2 points. Also every use of words like "secret, tip, idea, treasure" as a plus +1. Total your score.
    This is the effective poor man's way. Your score should be at least a plus, +25. -----------------------then get one of 10 people here to help you round it out--- If your overall rating is now 70, increasing it to 85 or 90, means another 15% to 20% rise in income.

    If you want to now the dangers and plus of "one time offers", with your authored book, start a new post. I wrote a new book, can an OTO help? If I spot it, I will be glad to post, as many could now do this with articles they write for additional easy income. Hope that helps. This is the 85% solution, the last (which is the hardest, -can only be done with the hope of a pro for that area --not me
     
    dyadvisor, May 15, 2010 IP
  8. FreebieGiver

    FreebieGiver Peon

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    #8
    Come on Mark! It was just advice, its upto the op to decide.
    Which spellings were misspelt?
    if u take words like polised/finetuned, its just an expression !
     
    FreebieGiver, May 15, 2010 IP
  9. MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

    MarkAndrews IMCopywriting Peon

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    #9
    Case in point.
     
  10. CarlDia

    CarlDia Peon

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    #10
    Hello, polished is spelled with an "h".
     
    CarlDia, May 18, 2010 IP
  11. CarlDia

    CarlDia Peon

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    #11
    You have undercut your value proposition. How can I hire you as a content writer, if in your opening paragraph you don't use good English? Here's a perfect example: " I found it was often not readable thinking that I could as well just had written it myself".
     
    CarlDia, May 18, 2010 IP
  12. FreebieGiver

    FreebieGiver Peon

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    #12
    Hi Carl,
    My post1
    I totally agree with the above 2, markandrews and dyadvisor. Please remove the I's or minimize them.
    Your idea is excellent, brilliant to say the least, however the copy should be polished/finetuned

    Then we had markandrewreplywithmyoriginal post had h in polished

    My post2
    Here missed h, thanks for reminding its "Human" n yes, polished is spelled with "a" H , not an H
     
    FreebieGiver, May 19, 2010 IP
  13. MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

    MarkAndrews IMCopywriting Peon

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    #13
    Don't forget the full stops at the end of your sentences too, when and if you want to begin making sense.

    No offense to you mate but it seems you are prone to writing absolute gibberish, by the looks of it.

    If you want high quality work you'll need to up your tempo a tad.

    Best,


    Mark Andrews...
     
  14. CarlDia

    CarlDia Peon

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    #14
    I found this :) . . ." This has always driven me nuts. "An" should be used if the H is silent - an herb garden (as pronounced in US english), but - a historic occasion or a horrible crime. For some unknown reason people constantly use "an historic" occasion as if they were Michael Caine delivering the same line.
    posted by horsemuth at 6:39 AM on October 18, 2007 "

    All the best.
     
    CarlDia, May 19, 2010 IP
  15. MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

    MarkAndrews IMCopywriting Peon

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    #15
    ...'a' before a consonant, 'an' before a vowel.

    Best,


    Mark Andrews...
     
  16. CarlDia

    CarlDia Peon

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    #16
    Maybe not so black & white:

    The Rule

    The rule states that “a” should be used before words that begin with consonants (e.g., b, c ,d) while “an” should be used before words that begin with vowels (e.g., a,e,i). Notice, however, that the usage is determined by the pronunciation and not by the spelling, as many people wrongly assume.

    You should say, therefore, “an hour” (because hour begins with a vowel sound) and “a history” (because history begins with a consonant sound).

    Similarly you should say “a union” even if union begins with a “u.” That is because the pronunciation begins with “yu”, which is a consonant sound.
     
    CarlDia, May 19, 2010 IP
  17. adces

    adces Peon

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    #17
    One more comment, since you are selling yourself as a content writer who can churn out quality articles, please ensure everything written on your page is spellchecked and free of grammatical errors. A glaring one I saw was the pricing for your 4-star contents. It goes "Articles that requires more research". Your verb should be "require" not "requires". If i was a customer, I would have clicked away already. Hope you take this constructively. I wish you well. Good luck on your endeavor - it's a good idea to do this.
     
    adces, May 19, 2010 IP
  18. MarkAndrews IMCopywriting

    MarkAndrews IMCopywriting Peon

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    #18
    Very true Carl - thanks for pointing that out.

    Written English must be an absolute nightmare for some of these non natives to learn lol.

    Wishing you all the very best.


    Mark Andrews...
     
  19. Perry Rose

    Perry Rose Peon

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    #19
    I'm too drunk to go over your page, but one thing I noticed is your picture.

    As a fellow writer, I would suggest that you think about changing it. Bring the camera back, so your face isn't all up in it. And...smile!

    You want to appear as a likeable, friendly, good 'ol buddy, who can also help others with your talent.

    Your header is pretty cool. I like that.

    I'm going to bed now.
     
    Perry Rose, May 19, 2010 IP
  20. geegel

    geegel Well-Known Member

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    #20
    The way I see it, there's too much filler on that page and not enough effort to differentiate yourself from the rest of the market. The first 2 paragraphs could be easily deleted and you would probably see much better results due to it. Don't talk just for the sake of talking. Each word must have its purpose.

    Also the headline is just plain out of place. "Welcome to Hire A Content Writer" is a wasted opportunity. That's prime real estate and you put something like that?

    In the end there is also the issue of the USP. You have several potential angles, but you're simply settling on what you can find in every BST thread.

    Think about what makes your service unique, and how this uniqueness helps your potential customers. If you'll manage to convey this in words, you'll get the results you are after.

    Hope this helps.

    Regards,
    George
     
    geegel, May 23, 2010 IP