Please Review My Sales Letter

Hi copywriters, I want you to review my sales letter here
What should I change or what should I add to increase conversion. All suggestions and criticism are welcome

 

1. You have a question there which sounds as follows: "You'd want to learn, isn't it?" I am not a native speaker of English, but I think a question tag "wouldn't you?" suits better there.
2. a "dark secret" sounds like you shared knowledge about something that is illegal or forbidden, what may not appeal to many people
3. you promise in several points of your text to reveal the secret..and after reading the same promise for the fourth time I was like "oh, come on, I know it already, are you going to share it or not?"
4. you slightly overuse questions
I guess this text was to resemble Rider's Digest kind of copywritig, if you know what I mean. Well, I think some things are there to be improved, but you're on the right way.

 

Thanks for the correction. I will work on it right now. Apart from that, is there anything else?

 

Your main headline is pretty terrible.

Will visitors - your ideal prospects relate to the use of the word 'Billion' in your headline?

I highly doubt it.

What emotion will this inspire in the first few seconds after reading your preheader?

Does it have the potential to instantly set off someone's BS meter? (Think about it)

Tone it down a bit, make it more believable and reachable.

Remember the main headine is there to grab the attention of the reader and to sock a major benefit straight at your visitors...right inbetween their eyes.

There's then a whopping disconnect between 'Billion' and '$247.91 Daily'.

Tie this loose end up.

Relate both the main headine and your subheading to one another, to gain more credibility.

There are too many text size changes in the first few lines - I'd recommend pt14 bold for the preheader, main headline is good as it is, subheading below (if you use it after this critique) pt14 bold, followed by your first sentence just pt14. (Not bold)

You need uniformity throughout your sales copy.

Now, that subheadline - it's too long, it needs shortening. (If you are going to use it at all)

Personally, I'd recommend a preheader followed by the main headline, followed by your first sentence.

The purpose of the preheader is to get the visitor to read the main headline.

Likewise, the purpose of the main headline is to get the visitor to read the first sentence.

And the purpose of the first sentence is to get the visitor to read (surprise, surprise) the second sentence and so on and so forth, all the way to the bottom of the page where your direct call to action should be.

So, your first sentence, it needs to be short, punchy and to the point - no more than 6-8 words at most.

Your second sentence can be a question which the visitor can only reasonably answer yes to in their subconscious mind. It's important to get your prospects in a yes state of mind instantly. (In the case of face to face selling, nodding in agreement)

Salesmanship in print, the intro, the deck is all about empathizing with your visitors emotions of pain and frustration before positioning yourself as their ideal solution.

In other words, your words, your sales copy, your sales letter needs to move them from the emotion of pain to the emotion of pleasure, where they truly want to do business with you alone and nobody else.

Get rid of your...

From:
Date:

No need for either of those - they're a waste of valuable space especially above the fold.

Your first real sentence is piss weak poor...

What if I told you that you can make hundreds and even thousands of dollars a day on facebook?

Everyone has read this line ^ a thousand times before. Who are you targeting here, who is your ideal customer? Do you know?

Never under estimate the intelligence of your website readers.

Certainly keep your words simple but always think about what precisely every line is saying to the prospects subconcious emotions on the whole.

Anyone reading that line above is going to groan inwardly unless they are a complete and utter newbie online, which today is rather highly doubtful.

Your second and third paragraphs are way too long. Shorten them, edit them ruthlessly.

You've got a couple of spelling errors which need correcting in your deck, also check out the tense (Occur'ed' / occurred...)

Your first major subheading is a different text color, keep them all the same as your main headine.

Just below there too, I see the introduction of more colored text - always keep it uniform throughout.

There follows one hell of a lot of text before your next subheading, you need to split that up quite a bit more.

This is about as much time as I can spare on this right now, it needs obviously a great deal of work and I'm only 10% in.

Your flow could be better, it's not terrible but could do with some improvement, nothing that some serious editing wouldn't cure.

Use a combination of shorter and longer sentences to hold the readers interest.

I hope these few small tips help you out.

Best,


Mark Andrews

 

First off, get rid of that template. You need to make the page more readable and get rid of the page that you see littered around the net - these are all seen as get rich quick schemes, MLM, spam and the next best product that will change your life forever.

Its too long - you need to get your hook in there earlier and start reeling them in.

The images need to be re-thought too.

Honestly, you need to scrap the page and start again - make it look like a sales page selling a product. Don't fall into the same trap as all others who think this is going to convince thousands of people to spend money with them.

 

Thank you Mark! I have adjusted the errors and the site has a new look now. I hope everything is okay?

 

I cant get the page to load now.

 

The problem could be from your end. Please refresh. Thanks

 

Gold Digger has a very bad connotation in English. It refers to the type of person who is willing to do anything to get your money. It is generally associated with young women who get involved with older men to get their money. I would not name my sales letter Gold Digger (unless, of course, that's what's going on here).

 

It's just a product that teaches people how to make money leveraging on the biggest social networking site.

 

It's still pretty awful for all of the aforementioned reasons.

You have major errors in this sales piece from the start.

The whole lot needs some ruthless editing or better, starting again from scratch if you hope to achieve some decent sales figures.

At the moment, it's all over the shop.

Best,


Mark