MAN comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends" ...... Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother" Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER" ...... What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress ============ Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? "Without Information Fighting Everytime" Wife replies," No, It means , "With Idiot For Ever !!!" ============ Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant ============ Teacher: u know the importance of period? kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away. ============ Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S? B'coz people started licking the wrong side. ============ Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs?? No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints ============ Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives. 1st: How urs look like? 2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. Wat abt urs? 1st: Forget mine. Lets find urs!! ============ Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential Dad says, you are my son, im confident. ur friend also my son, hat's confidential! ============ Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex. Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know. Mother Faints...
A salesman is forced to share a room with a rabbi in a crowded hotel. He enters the room and finds the rabbi kneeling in a corner, murmuring his prayers. "Hi," says the salesman. "I'm your new roommate." The rabbi nods without interrupting his prayers. "Well then, which bed shall I take?" The rabbi points to one bed, continuing to pray. The salesman nervously unpacks his bag, then all of a sudden says, "Say, rabbi, do you mind if I bring up a girl?" The rabbi still praying, shouts, "Not one, two!"
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read, "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."
A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel..' The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?' The doctor replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw', you hit her head with the shovel.'
Jones and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.' She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?' She says, 'A hundred dollars'. He says, 'Sh*t. All I've got is thirty'. She says, 'Hold on.' She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says, 'Okay'. She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, 'I'll be right back.' She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'Jones, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?'
A boy is telling proudly to his close friend as to what he did with his girlfriend whom he took to a hotel room for three consequtive nights. Boy to his friend, "First day I took out her cloths waited for some time and we came back." Friend asks him, "Only this much? Why? Boy Reples, "Because, She should not feel that I do not have courage to undress her." Boy further tells his friend, "Second day, I undressed her and also undressed my self, and then we came back." Friend again asked him, "Reallly? That's all? Boy Replies, "Yeah. Because, she should not feel that I can not control myself". Boy further reports to his friend, "On third and last day, I undressed her, then I undressed myself, then I masterbated and we came back immeditely." Friend shockingly asks him, "No sex with her at all? Why?" Boy replies, "Yeah. Because she should not feel that I can not manage with out her"
Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were horrible. One guy hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that the shots were so bad that they would just meet up at the hole. So, the first guy looks and looks and finds his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. So he promptly pulls out his seven iron and starts whacking away. Buttercups are flying everywhere but the ball won't come out. Finally Mother Nature got mad. She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year." The man started to laugh and goes back to whacking at the Buttercups. Mother Nature said, "Hey! This is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?" The man said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck,"' the firefighter said with admiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then wouldn't have a siren."
A man was in a terrible accident at home and his penis was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his member, but that he was not covered by insurance at work, nor the Government insurance and his private health insurance wouldn't cover the surgery as, luckily, he was not incontinent and with his testes intact he would not suffer premature hypogonadism and, as he had a vasectomy the operation would not be considered a medical necessity, but "cosmetic". The doctor said that the cost would be $5000 for "small", $7500 for "medium", and $10,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, :Can your dog perform other tricks?". "But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman." Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dogs looks at her and does nothing. "It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career!
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Here is one from me too. A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. "Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked. "Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town." "Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"? "No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"? "He went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."
man walks past a wall next to a mental home when he hears someone chanting 13, 13, 13. he saw a hole in the wall and being a curious fellow he lined hes eye up to it and was poked in the eye... then he heard someone chant 14, 14, 14