Need feedback on my sales letter

Hello

* Please see the attached Word doc * (it is zipped because file size was too large)

I have written a letter that I intend to send to local businesses. I am offering web services.

I have written what I do, some history and included an offer. In the top right I intend to staple my business card.

Please let me know if it reads well, or if I should add/remove anything. Any help is appreciated as I havent done this before!

Many thanks

Matt

 

Hi, Matt. Glad to hear the news you're going solo. Good luck!

Read your letter. There's still a huge room for improvement there. A few suggestions:

- Be precise. You say you're going to the business of your prospects forward. How? And what's your proof that you can do this?
- What's ethical design and how would prospects benefit from that?
- State your offer clearly. The more specific your offer the better.

I hope that helps.

 

Hi Matt

Read your sales letter. Just a few observations:

- Too short
- Not enough info
- Not convincing enough
- No testimonials from satisfied clients - so how can I believe you?
- Not enough "punch" - your sales page lacks "oomph"
- Headlines poor - could be far better, more catchy, more attention grabbing
- Where are the real benefits? What is your service going to do for me? What am I going to get out of it?

Your sales page also lacks confidence. I get the impression you're trying to get it over with as quickly as possible and run for cover. Maybe you should get a pro to write it for you. Not all copywriters charge the earth to do a competent sales page. Think of it this way: you spend a couple of 100 dollars upfront for a good sales page, which could earn you a couple of 1000 in conversions. You do it yourself for free, you might earn zip dollars from it.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

 

many many thanks for your replies. i know what it lacks but i might need to enlist that professional help!

thanks