NOTE: They aren't mine. I just heard/read them. Just rewrite them here One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor. After a while, the doctor came out & said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?" "Yes Doctor, I am right here," he said anxiously. "Great news!" Explained the Doctor, "Twins!" "Wow, that's great, because I work for the DoubleMint Company." After 5 minutes later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you here?" "I'm right here Doc," he said. "Great News triplets" Spectacular!! Because I work for 3M. A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?" "Right here Doctor," he said. "Wonderful news!! It's..... Wait a minute" the man interrupted. "I can't stick for this!! I work at the SEVEN-ELEVEN" ---------------------------- With the storm raging, the captain realised his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Does anyone here know how to pray?" One Man stepped forward. "Yes, Captain, I pray a lot." "Good," said the captain. " You pray while the rest of us put on life jackets. We're one short." --------------------------- Visiting relatives on their rural property for the 1st time, a young city man arrived when things were particularly busy. "We're flat out," said his uncle, "but it's such a beautiful day that you should borrow my shot-gun and take the dogs out for a bit of shooting." When his nephew returned an hour later, the farmer asked him. "How was the shooting?" "That was Fantastic," said the young man. "Got any more DOGS?" ------------------------- Frank believed five was his special number. He was born on May 5, have five children and lived at 555 Fifth Avenue. At the races on his 55th birthday, he was delighted to find a horse named Numero Cinco running in the fifth race from barrier 5. Exactly five minutes before the race, Frank went to betting window No. 5 and put $500 on Numero Cinco. It finished FIFTH. ------------------------ A man went into a pub, asked for a scotch, drank it and got up to leave. The barman yelled, "Hey, where's my money?" "I paid you," the man insisted and walked out. Then another man came in, drank a scotch and did the same thing. When a third man entered and ordered a scothc, the barman told him, "Two men just came in and asked for scotch just like you, then left, saying they'd paid. What do you think about that?" "Stop babling," muttered the third man, "and give me my change." ----------------------- An Irishman , a Mexican and a American Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The American opened his lunch and said, "Bolognaise again! If I get a bolognaise sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The American guy opened his lunch, saw the bolognaise and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the American's wife. The American's wife said, "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch." -------------------------- Separated from his travel group in the Sahara Desert, a tourist begged a passing nomad for water. "Sorry," said the tribesman. "I have no water, but I do have a selection of lovely ties spammer." "You must be crazy," the tourist replied. Close to death from thirst, he saw another nomad. "Water!!" he gasped. "Gib me some water." "I have no water," came the reply, "only these handsome ties that I'd be glad to sell you." The tourist stumbled on until, to his astonishment, he saw a magnificent hotel far in the distance. Crawling at last into the lobby, he croadked, "Please give me water." "I'm sorry, sir," The doorman said. "We don't let anyone in without a TIE." --------------------------- The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world. Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11 Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston ----------------------------- As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. ----------------------------- This guys walks into a bar and the bartender immediately notices how depressed this guy is. "Give me a beer", said the guy. "Sure thing," said the bartender, "by the way, why the long face? "I just found out my oldest son is gay", replied the guy. The next day the same guy walks back into the bar and orders a beer and a few shots of whiskey. "Whats wrong now?", asked the bartender noticing he is twice as depressed as the day before. "I just found out my youngest son is gay too." The next day the same guy walks in with tears pouring out of his eyes. "Got doesn't anyone in your house like girls?", asked the bartender. The guy said, "Yeah, my wife!" ------------------------------ Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter. "Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion... it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!" "Yessir," agreed Bush. "But durn it! We're gettin' farther away from our truck!" -------------------------- A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he walked straight instead of sideways. Wow! she thought. This crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So they married immediately. The next day she was dismayed to notice her husband walking sideways like all the other crabs. "What's happened?" she sobbed. "You used to walk straight before we married." "Oh Darling," he said, "I can't drink that much every day." ------------------------- Fred was a religious man in the hospital, waiting for death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Fred condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he die. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at the time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At he funeral, as he was finishing his sermon, he realised that he was wearing the same jacker that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read out loud, "HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!!!!!!!" RIP..... ------------------------- 1st Women : "Working full time and trying to do the housework gets me down. Today I came home and washed the clothes and the dished. Tomorrow I have to clean the kitchen floor and the front windows." 2nd Women : "What about your husband?" 1st Women : "NO WAY!!!!!......................He can wash himself!!!!!!!!!" ------------------------- There is a magic mirror and if you tell it something that manages to impress it you'll be lucky, wealthy and healthy until you die. One catch though; if you tell a lie you're sucked into the mirror. One day a brown-haired person goes to the mirror and says, "I am richer than Bill Gates" Whoooosh! They're sucked into the mirror. The next day a ginger goes to the mirror and says, "I'm the prettiest person ever" Whoooosh! They're sucked into the mirror. The day after that a blonde goes to the mirror and says, "I think...." Whoooosh! They're sucked into the mirror. ----------------------- Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. ---------------------------- Since my wife now lives in Arkansas, when I went to down to see my kids, I had to take the now famous Arkansas Engineering Exam to be able to visit my children. Needless to say, I have yet to see them. Although, I did get a rash when I was there, so it wasn't a totally wasted trip. Here is the exam in full detail. Remember to STUDY if you ever plan on visiting there. I'll be taking it for the 14th time on my next trip. Exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a '64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it's charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch? 8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift? 10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? More will come soon. Share yours
Have you made these jokes yourself or you have copied from somewhere? BTW nice collection. Few of them I have never heard. Cheers.
milamber, my friend! how about my articles? I haven't received them yet. You're thief and liar and I want everybody on DP know that. Don't trust this guy. He received my advance payment for articles and disappeared. He states he sent them to my email but it's empty.
grr.. i clearly said that i sent them on -- Isn't this your email? You pmed me with this email.. Don't tell me you didn't receive it? sigh don't ever spam on me dude.. i do my job cleanly.. Don't be so ridiculous.. Its with the title of "An article from milamber."
lol nvm him.. martensen, if you don't receive the articles, i could write them again. since i deleted it on my email and on my desktop =/ just pm me dude don't spam and make my name dirty..
Fantastic list of jokes, even I am tired by now I still managed to finish reading it, it made me laugh.
haha nice collection some of them i loughed alot hah, i used to kno lot of jokes now i dont remember nothing
Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus? He comes down the chimney, wakes the children and says, "Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?" ---------- Q: Why do Jews have such big noses? A: Because air is free. ---------- Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be? A: A fur coat. ---------- Q: Did you hear about the queer Jew? A: He likes girls more than money. ---------- Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two Jews fighting over a penny. ---------- Q: Why do Jews like to watch porn movies in reverse? A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ---------- Q: What's the object of Jewish football? A: To get the quarter back. ---------- A guy when he goes to the toilet he always counts 1 2 3 4. A friend askes him why do you count? He replies with: Well 1- Pants Down 2- Pull my d*ick. 3- Pee. 4- Pull my d*ick back. Later the friends went to the toilet an everybody heard "1 2 4 2 4 2 4 2 4 2 4 2 4". ---------- Q: What does 2 lesbians do when they have their period? A: Fingerpainting. ---------- Q: How do faggots get a condom off? A: They fart. ---------- Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other? A: I can't find my way through all this crap. ---------- Q: How do you get AIDS from a toilet seat? A: If you sit down before the other guy gets off. ---------- Q: How can you tell if your college roomate is gay? A: His d*ick tastes like crap. ---------- Q: Why do gays eat refried beans on Saturday night? A: So they can take a bubble bath Sunday morning. ---------- ================================================= A blond named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire.... Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go." Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it... A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars." Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it’s a cuckoo." Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million." Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo." Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is" Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Absolutely" Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you're right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Get real!" Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!" ================================================== TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. ____________ _________ _________ ______ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. ____________ _________ _________ _________ ___ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________ _________ _________ __ ____________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. ____________ _________ _________ ____ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! ____________ _________ _________ _________ ___ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ____________ _________ _________ _________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ____________ __ ____________ _______ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ____________ _________ _________ ________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ____________ _________ _________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ____________ _________ _________ _____ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher