Jokes... Just jokes....

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....

He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the brides side of the family stand up please?" about twenty people stood.

Then he asked " Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?" about twenty five people stood up.

The He smiled and said

"Will all those who stood please leave, This is a birthday party".

-------------------------------

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

 

Ok that one was good .. Lol

 

Haha.. yeah.. good one

 

nice one
keep them coming
chk some here
http://www.yallajokes.com/

 

If I could add one more joke to this, here goes.

An elderly couple celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. The old lady presented her man with a brand new Porsche. The old man was very happy and asked his wife, "Thanks for the gift. By the way, have you ever had sex with any other man during these 50 years?".

The wife replied, "uhmm; actually, whenever I have sex with someone else, I buy a book and keep it in that shelf."

The man said, "wow; there is just one book in that shelf, so you did it JUST ONCE in these 50 years? that's incredible. you're great, you're the best wife."

The lady said, "well; i sold the rest of the books to a used book shop and bought the car for you."

 

hahahaha really great thread
10/10 from me great tanks

 

great, thanks for sharing with us

 

awesome joke..
+rep comin your way.

 

I was in Rockos' Pet Depot buying a large bag of Eagle Pack for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her that, no, I was starting The Eagle Pack Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Eagle Pack nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no ... I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

 

That was so funny, I can't stop laughing

 

A man was talking to his friend at the bar.
The friend said "Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?"

"No, I didn't know that." The man replied.
"So what color are your wife's eyes?" asked the friend.

The man replied, "I'm too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out."
So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife's eyelid and exclaims, "Oh my God! Brown!"

Suddenly, another man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, "How the hell did you know I was here ?"

 

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse
"I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT."
Bill agreed--it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Bill Clinton spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Bill.
"Amen" said Hillary.
The old priest continued...
"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

 

ahaha!! very funny!!
good post

 

"I want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets it from but it's bet, bet, bet."
"Leave it to me," said the principal.
A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've cured him," he said.
"How?"
"Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, "I bet that's a false beard."
"How much?" I said, and he said "$5 "
"What happened?" asked the father.
"Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson."
"No, it won't," said the father.
"He bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!"

 

lol they were preetty decent

 

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…

• Broiled Missionary: $10.00
• Fried Explorer: $15.00
• G rilled Republican: $100.00
• Baked Democrat: $250.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Politicians?” The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of crap it takes all morning.”

 

blackhumor, because of your username, you may find this thread to be funny:
http://forums.digitalpoint.com/showthread.php?t=375237

 

A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.

 

Haven't read all the jokes in this thread but the second one here is quite funny...

 

SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet

Glass Being held at incorrect angle.​

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling​

Feet warm and wet

Improper Bladder Control​

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training​

Beer unusually pale and tasteless

a. Glass empty.​

b. You're holding a Coors Lite​

Get someone to buy you another beer​

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights

You have fallen over backward.​

Have yourself lashed to the bar​

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes

You have fallen forward​

See above​

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

a. Mouth not open​

b. Glass applied to wrong part of face​

Retire to restroom, practice in front of mirror​

Floor Blurred

You are looking through bottom of empty glass​

Get someone to buy you another beer​

Floor moving

You are being carried out​

Find out if you are being taken to another bar​

Room seems unusually dark

Bar has closed​

Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.​

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations​

Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside​

Everyone looks up to you and smiles

You are dancing on the table​

Fall on someone cushy-looking​

Beer is crystal-clear

It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up​

Punch him​

People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup

You're in the ladies' room​

Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall.​

Try to get phone numbers before exiting (optional)​

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

You have been in a fight​

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them​

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in

You've wandered into the wrong party​

See if they have free beer​

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk

a. You're in jail​

b. You're in the navy​

Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach​

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps

You're in a gay bar​

Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for back rubs​

Your singing sounds distorted

The beer is too weak​

Have more beer until your voice improves​

Don't remember the words to the song

Beer is just right​

Play air guitar​