Voodoo Dick: There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fu*king deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!" =================================================== Penis joke: I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 1. I do physical labor. 2. I work at great depths. 3. I plunge head first into everything I do. 4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 5. I work in a damp environment. 6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation. 7. I work in high temperatures. 8. My work exposes me to diseases. Response: Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons: 1. You do not work 8 hours straight. 2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period. 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations. 5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 7. You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. 8. You will slow down before you are 65. 9. You find it difficult to work double shifts. 10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. 11. And, if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, The Management
Keep posting guys... Some more from me Fast treatment...... Man: "The Dr said he wud've me on my feet in two weeks." Frend: "Was he successful?" Man: " Yup. I had to sell my car to pay his bill." Credit lost........ A man who was really behind in paying his bills finally recieved the following note from one of his creditors: "Dear Sir, your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have carried you longer than your mother did." Reason for dicorce.......... A woman wid 9 children, ages 1 thru 9, decided to sue her hubby for divorce n grounds of desertion. Judge: "When did he desert you?" Woman: 8 urs ago. judge: if he left 8 yrs ago, where did all the children come from? woman "well,"..."he kept coming back to say he was sorry."
hey, in case anyone are interested, i have a collection of funny and dirty jokes i am giving away in the freebies section here http://forums.digitalpoint.com/showthread.php?t=301422
Good qualities One day, Birbal was talking of a dinner he had eaten the day before. In doing so, he described brinjal (baingan) as be -gun i.e. without any good qualities. Akbar, who at the very moment was passing by, overheard this and started praising the qualities of the brinjal as bahu-gun i.e one without myriad qualities. Birbal promptly agreed. Thereupon, Akbar remonstrated with Birbal and asked him how Birbal could contradict himself. Birbal, with his famous presence of mind, retorted 'But Your Highness, I am your servant and not of the brinjal! ------- Telephone Ironing One day a man goes to a doctor.His both the Ears were burnt.The doctor asks,"how did you burn both your ears?" The man replies,"DoctorI was ironing my clothes.Suddenly the phone ringed I touched the iron to my ears thinking that it was the phone". Thenthe doctor asked ,"how did you burn your second ear?" The man replied,"again the phone ringed". ---------
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell managed by each country.Everybody was welcome to make ones' choice ! He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.Electric chair, bed of nails and whipping or something. Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?" "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work anytime, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed so the bed is comfy, and the Indian devil is a former Govt servant, who just comes in, takes a little bribe from you, signs the register and then goes to the canteen to have his tea, his work for the day just completed... ....."
Thanks for the laugh Memebers i ve read some posts for now and will read the else for sure.All the one are excellent. Very Good Thread
Here r some more Doctors checkup A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?" Ten Dollars Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars." Male Virgin After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. "thought you had never been with a woman. He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get"! Ting-a-ling There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. After this, a belly dancer entered the room and started slinking around the first priest... "Ting-a-ling" The chief priest said "Oh, Patrick, I'm disappointed. You've failed. Go and have a shower." The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy before the chief priest heard... "Ting a ling" "Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower." The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of... but no bell rang! "John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph" "Ting-a-ling" Who am I Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says, "Mom, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him. So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or black?" asks his dad. "Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait till its dark and steal the fu cker. No drinks A bear walks into a bar in Baraboo, Wisconsin and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo that are on drugs." The bear says, " I'm not on drugs." The bartender says," Yes you are, that was abarbitchyouate." Alchoholic Nun Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy." "Sister Mary Katherine, " exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack, " she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist, and so she went. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Okay, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw rerry rerry fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "Okay, now craw rerry rerry fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad -- you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates." Terrified, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr.Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass." --------------- What do you call an Australian in a suit? The defendant. An Australian player went to the doctor and said: "I've just been playing rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, arms, head, tummy - everywhere - it really hurt." The doctor replied: "You've broken your finger." What do Australian fans and sperm have in common? One in three million has a chance of becoming a human being. Four surgeons taking a coffee break . . . The first one says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered." The second surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything is in alphabetical order." The third surgeon says: "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded." The fourth one says: "I prefer an Australian rugby fan. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable." A Japanese firm has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.
MENTAL HOSPITAL Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news.The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead." Jim replied, "She didn't hang herself. I put her there to dry. ---------------- An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden,without finding any money. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here. -------------------- A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube. "The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
Thanks mitcharr. Let me put one more great joke for you. Smartest Man in the World A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
ok, Lawyer Joke.. A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Tummy Trouble A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mum on top of his dad boucing up and down. The parents stop and his mum quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around her. What were you and dad doing? The boy asks his mum. Well your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it..... She explains Your wasting your time.. says the boy. When you go shopping the lady next door gets down on her knees and blows it right back up!!!!! A Dogs Diary and a Cats Diary 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite! 9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite! Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite! 2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite! 3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite! 4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite! 6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mum! My favourite! 7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite! 8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite! 9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite! 11pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite! CAT'S DIARY Day 483 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture. Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan... There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit! The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time..
lol great here is another! A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window. The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side. Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts. "But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams. "Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!" She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over. "What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks. "Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck". "If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."
Three golfers are starting their round. The first golfer hits his first tee shot off to the right into a lake alongside the fairway. The golfer walks down to the lake. He holds his golf club horizontally over the lake and the water parts, revealing his ball on the bottom. He steps down to his ball and hits his second shot which lands in the middle of the green. The other golfers say,"Hey Moses. Nice shot!" The second golfer hits his tee shot further right, over the same lake and on to the adjoining fairway. He walks down to the lake and walks on the water, crossing the lake to get to his ball. He hits his second shot which lands right in the middle of the green. The other golfers say, "Hey Jesus. Nice shot." The third golfers tee shot goes way LEFT into a tree. The ball hits a squirrel sitting in the tree. The squirrel and the ball both fall to the ground. The squirrel sees the golfball and, thinking its a big white nut, picks it up and runs off across the fairway. An eagle, flying overhead, sees the squirrel, swoops down, sinks his talons in to the squirrel, and flies off with it. As the eagle flies over the green, the terrified squirrel drops the ball which lands in the cup! Moses turns to Jesus and says . . . That is why I HATE playing with your Dad!
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!" "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!" "WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!" "Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?" "Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."