Hi, thought it would be fun for everyone to post some jokes, can be rude and gross!!! here is one to start it off, i have many many many more. What is the worst stain to get off boys underwear?? Michael Jacksons Make-up!!!!
Wow this is good idea man. Let me shar mine one too. Lawyer at the Pearly Gates One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
What Does Michael Jackson And Santa Have in common Spoiler They both leave kids houses with empty sacks!!
Prince Charles is driving around in the royal country estate in his rolls royce when he runs over one of the queens prized corgi's. He gets out and starts kicking the ground. As he does this, he unearths a magic lamp and the genie pops out and says, "Thank you for freeing me from the lamp, you may have 3 wishes." Old Charlie says, "Well, one is a royal and famous and wealthy, so one does not require any such things. However, one has just killed ones mothers prized dog, could you bring it back to life for me?" The genie looks down at the dog and says, "come off it mate, that thing is f**ked! Its guts is hanging out of its arse - it's f**ked!" So Charlie pulls out a photo of Diana and says, "One was married to this lovely lady, but was and still is in love with another." Then he pulls out a picture of Camilla and says, "Can you make ones love look like ones former wife?" The genie looks at the 2 photos and says, "Let's have another look at that dog!" ________________________________________________________________ There was this man and his wife that had gone abroad on holiday and had a great 2 weeks. At the end of the holiday they had 2 animals that they wanted to bring back to the U.K, a snake and a skunk. They were trying to figure out ways of getting them through customs and into the U.K without getting caught. The snake was no problem, the wife just suggested he put it down the front of his trousers and if the customs said anything he should just say that he was well endowed. Problem solved. But they just couldn't decide on where to put the skunk. After about 5 hours and getting nowhere the husband just said, "Look, there's only one thing for it, you'll just have to put it inside your knickers," to which the wife replys, "Yes, but what about the smell?" And the husband says, "Well if it dies, it dies." ________________________________________________________________ What has hit more balls than David Beckhams right foot? Elton Johns chin.
Here u go.Enjoy my collection. A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!" __________________________________________________ ________________ One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead. To the blonde he said , "I am the president of the united states. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars. "He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President , if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President , it ain't gonna cost you a cent." __________________________________________________ _______________ At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Sadamm Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm with three buttons on the arm of his chair. after a few minutes Sadamm pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the chin. Sadamm started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued . A minute later Bill saw Sadamm press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when back home. Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Sadamm sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Sadamm moved but again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Sadamm had enough of this, stood up and said "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" , to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?" __________________________________________________ _______________ The first ladies of UK, Russia and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective spouse. The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room" The lady from Russia says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back.." The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down..." Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumour... it moves from one mouth to another..." __________________________________________________ _______________ Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?" __________________________________________________ _______________ Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he says "bastard" written in piss. He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this horrible thing to his garden. So they go out and investigate and when they return they say "Well Bill, we've got bad news and we've got worse news, which one would you like to hear first?" And Bill says, "What's the bad news?" The agent replies, "It was Al Gore." Aghast Bill yells, "That dirty no good son of a bitch!!!!! What's the worse news?" So the agent says, "It was Hillary's handwriting..." __________________________________________________ _______________ The Clinton's and the Gores are traveling aboard Air Force One. Bill Clinton looks out the window and says, "You know, I bet I could drop a $10,000 bill out the window and make one person very happy!" Al Gore comments, "Yes, but I could drop ten $1000 bills out the window, and make ten people very happy." Hillary Clinton says, "True, but I could drop one hundred $100 bills out the window, and make one hundred people very happy. Chelsea responds, "Big deal! I could drop all of you out the window, and make the whole country happy!" __________________________________________________ _______________ Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the titanic. When it starts to sink Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!" Nixon: "Screw the women and children" Clinton: "Do we have time?" __________________________________________________ _______________ Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having." __________________________________________________ _______________ Hillary went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse, and his language is terrible." "Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye, and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him. A few minutes later, the president entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said, "Hi, Bill." __________________________________________________ _______________ Bill Clinton and Al Gore were taking a shower at the gym after a strenuous exercise. Bill looked down at Al's dick and was shocked at how big it was. "My GOD, Al, that thing is HUGE! How'd you get it that big?" Bill asked in awe. "Well, every night, I whack it three times against the bedpost," he answered proudly. "Well, I'll have to try that," Bill said. So that night, when Bill got home, Hilary was already in bed, half asleep. Bill took out his dick and thumped three times against the bed-post. Thump. Thump. Thump. Suddenly, Hilary sat bolt upright in bed. "Al, is that you?" she asked. __________________________________________________ _______________ Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off. A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're Republicans." "Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?" "Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now." __________________________________________________ _______________ The Clintons and the Gores were having dinner one evening and the topic of conversation got around to s** and partners. They all agreed they would swap partners for the night. About 2:00 o'clock the next morning, Bill got up on one elbow in bed and said " Al, what do you suppose the women are doing right now?" __________________________________________________ _______________ A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t." __________________________________________________ _______________ A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey... "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!" __________________________________________________ _______________ George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me." Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show you what I mean." Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home, " said Cheney. Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not there! Take us back to where we started, please." The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don't worry about their opinions!" Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead! __________________________________________________ _________ A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's *** I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's *** too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!" __________________________________________________ __________ George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side." Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?" The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left." __________________________________________________ ____________ When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?" Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said. Bush replied, "Well heck, I don't know." St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?" Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in." __________________________________________________ __________ WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one. __________________________________________________ __________ Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall. The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!" __________________________________________________ ___________ Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone." __________________________________________________ __________ While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb s**t, it's Tony Blair!" __________________________________________________ ___________ Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche." __________________________________________________ ___________ George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig." __________________________________________________ ____________
Well those are excellent Jimmy. Thanks for sharing it. Let me put mine some. Florist Mistake On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply. ------------------------------------------- Rednecks Drinking & Driving One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch." ---------------------------------- God Will Provide A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?†The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.†There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?â€
here r some more from my collection. Cool Insults for everyday use... • Your birth certificate is an apology letter from a condom manufacturing company • He seems to have a sixth sense, as there are no evidence of the other five • "Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today" • "Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing" • "Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own" • "He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words" • "I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others • "He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat.†• "The biggest no-talent I ever worked with." • "He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard." • "He loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to him." • "Who selects your clothes - Stevie Wonder?" • "I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly." • "Can I borrow your face for a few days? My a** is going on holiday." • "See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome." • "Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?" • "Don't you need a license to be that ugly?" • "Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!" • "I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!" • "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often." • "A wife of 40 should be like money You should be able to change her for two of 20" • "She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together." • "If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?" • Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental! • As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? • Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner. • Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. • Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull? • Have you considered suing your brains for non-support? • He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed! • He is living proof that man can live without a brain! • He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot. • He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost. • Hi! I'm a human being! What are you? • How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open? • I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ***. • I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. • Hearing you speak, I bet your mother has a loud bark! • I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit? • I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. • I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! • I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others? • I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside. • I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter? • I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you! • I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there. • I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you. • I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo. • I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high. • I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? • I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying. • If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used. • If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive. • Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent. • Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! • Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck. • Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair. • They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. • People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! • If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide! • that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye. • People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright. • The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him. • You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you. • Your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could. • Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick! Let me know if u still want some more from me
Enjoy some more: Widower Playing Golf A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." --------------------------------- Karate Dog Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!" ---------------------------- Blondes Finish Jigsaw Puzzle A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!
herer some more more... A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare? "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said,"Go ahead Father" 30 Signs You Are A FOB 1. You have a nickname like Pinto, Bunty, Bunny, Dolly, Penny, or Desi. 2. Your last name is longer than ten letters, i.e. Chandraprakash or Subramanian. 3. You get high off butter chicken, mango frooti, or lassi. 4. Your gang's name is the Fob Squad, Fobby By Nature, or Brown Wallstreet. 5. Your gang's uniform is a Michael Jackson T-shirt with Rambo pants. 6. Your top pick-up line is "Just have your mummy call my mummy baby, it is being all good." 7. You use coconut oil on your hair whenever you leave the house and when you don't. 8. At clubs, you're overheard saying, "So what if my mummy picks out my clothes, you know this gear is fly baby!" (for guys) 9. You wear tight-*** jeans. (for girls) 10. You have to jack up your pants to get them tight. (for girls) 11. You have a mustache. (for guys and girls) 12. You came to America between 1-5 years ago but shamelessly carry on like you're not fresh. 13. Your the captain and sole member of your school's cricket team. 14. You don't pay for dish network. 15. You go to Rutgers University or the University of Maryland at CollegePark. 16. You wear a turban, with a chin-strap, or just a turban. 17. You're a fake DJ. 18. You leave you're top three buttons undone on your polyester shirt to showoff your chest hairs and gold chains. 19. People can smell your imitation Drakkar Noir from miles away. 20. You helped in making one of the DT banners, especially the guy in the green shirt. 21. You go on DesiTorrents to pick up guys or girls. 22. Instead of saying something's the bomb, you say, "That was awesome thing man!" or are living in a time warp and say things like "Neat". 23. You got a nose-ring, watched "Kama Sutra," or smoke bedis in order to "keep it real." 24. Trying to assimilate into American society, you changed your name to "Vinny" from "Vinod". 25. You announce your vacation trips and everything else that happens to you on internet forums. 26. You shopped for and proudly wear a tee-shirt that says "DesiTorrents.com" 27. You say things like "Ash for life" or are infatuated with Jessica Alba. 28. You nod your head the same way for yes and no. 29. You're favorite expression is "VOH!" or "WAH, WAH" 30. You derive pleasure from thinking other fobs are more pathetic than you.
Great jokes getjimmy. Here is from me too. Pet Truths Some self-evident truths about pets... Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff. Dogs shed, cats shred. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult? No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life. We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
my contribution: A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants The bartender takes a look at him and says, "Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel down your pants??" to which the pirate replies...... YAAAARGH!!! It's driving me nuts!!! vanessa.