[Admins: the company mentioned below is fictional; this is not a spam post. If the post is in the wrong place, please move it.] This is my first post here, and maybe this is isn't the right place. Anyway, I need some third party validation on the two texts below, which describe the same business. I have a couple of requests to make: Firstly, I'd like you to pretend that you are a potential customer of this business. In other words, please pretend that you are someone looking for an architect rather than a web writer judging a piece of writing. What I'm mainly interested in is which text would make you more inclined to contact the business for further info (once again: this is an exercise; the named business does not exist.) Secondly, please make your choice before looking at any replies; I'd like to avoid any kind of expectation bias or peer influence. Lastly: I'll be pleased to read your suggestions, but my main objective is as stated above. Thanks in advance for your time and effort.
You actually need to ask which one is better? The first one is bordering on incomprehensible. "Uniquely site responsive" and "subtle ideas that respond to the client's internal space and site context" are nonsensical.
That first post is the biggest pile of unadulterated clap-trap I have read all week, no offence intended, I couldn't really think how to put it delicately, I am very tired Second one says who you are and what you do, and how well you do it , what else do you need to say. The first one lost me as potential client, the second one made me think I would give you a call. Hope this helps.
I Really, really, really tried hard not to say that, but it was no good, I just wanted to str*ngle the writer.
Thanks to all, so far. Although the company is fictional, one of the texts is similar to something that is about to be put on a real website. I prepared an alternative, which you've read, but it's the customer who needs to be convinced.
Hope we've given you some ammunition. That was the help I thought you were seeking. Sad part is someone was probably paid good money for that garbage.
first is not usable. second is better, but you need to do more of WIFFM, (what's in it for me), there is some, but everything needs to be put that way, not just stating something about the firm, but what does that help YOU the potential client. good luck!
As a copywriter for a business web design company, I feel #2 would be the one to go for - it seems more personal. As for your comment aluding to proof readers (I am one for the company I work for), I'm glad you weren't looking to proof read as well, as I was itching to...LOL. I hope this feedback was useful to you - go for it, Nervous Nelly!
Thanks very much for your time. I've since seen a new version of #1, but it has some of the same problems, plus some new ones (!) As you've gathered, #2 is my pitch for the job, rather than a final proposal. A few more responses and I should be ready to go back to the customer. Thanks again.
Update: You helped the customer decide to go with #2 (with small adjustments). So a big Thank You from me