If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel. -Will Kommen I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. -Dean Martin I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. -Rita Rudner My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. -Wendy Liebman I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. -Henny Youngman Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. -Bob Thaves He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. -Ben Franklin I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. -Rodney Dangerfield My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays. -Joey Bishop
these r very funny and I found few He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein
Hahaha! Here comes mine, A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.