I broke the love of my lifes heart many times over. I wanted to be with her so bad and could not be, so I lashed out in ways I never should have. It took her from feeling I was her protector to her abuser, no excuse for it, I feel absolutely horrible. I was so angry, I wanted to be with her so badly it hurt. I never felt good enough for her, when I first met her she did not change me, she healed me and turned me back into the real me, the real me that had been lost since I was a child. When I could not be with her I reverted and lashed out, I used methods she used to use against me yet I still feel horrible. I broke her heart by telling on her one time, I did not do it to tell on her, she broke my heart, devastated me, I wanted to hurt someone who was not her and I thought she had told him about it anyways. As soon as I told him I knew it was a horrible mistake, but nothing I can do will take it back, I hope some day she can forgive me. I finally started coming back to her, to my real self yet I was not fully my real self, now I know that, I was 1/2 and 1/2 so to speak. I lost her and it hurt so bad as it still does. I'm finally back to my real self even though I do not have her hand, the only thing that keeps me going, keeps me my real self is hoping some day she will return to me. I am miserable, in so much pain, but the will to be there for her keeps me going. The only problem is every time I had tried to reach to her when we were talking she took it as pressure. I did not want to pressure her at all, if she did not want to be with me than I will have to accept it, some day perhaps I will. I simply knew her to her very soul, I could always sense things on her even when she said otherwise. She gave me so many signs, so many messages making it clear she still did want to be with me. Communication became very hard, we barely could talk and all I could do was reach to her. She gave up her dreams, something she started saying pissed her off when I brought it up. She used to live for her dreams, I do not believe she was pissed at me for bringing it up, she may not even realize it, but she was pissed as she knew she did. I literally had nightmares of her being miserable for the remainder of her days if she stayed on her current path, of us never becoming together if I did not reach her in time, I could do nothing else but reach to her which I believe broke her heart even more. She was a prisoner at the end in her circumstances, if she even realized it or not, she did not deserve it, she did nothing wrong, but I fear guilt, obligation, control caused her to believe she did deserve it. What was I supposed to do? Sit by and do nothing? I just wanted to be there for her, help her realize she did deserve better, she could live her dreams like she did for me. Yet no matter what I did I failed at every corner. How I wish I could undo the damage I inflicted upon her, to show her I do truly love her, do truly believe in her, do truly trust her, do want her to be happy, living her dreams and so much more. I do not know if I'll ever get the chance. She hurt me greatly as well, but I should be able to take it and never lash back, I sadly failed at that many times over, circumstances I know caused it as I believe deep down she knows as well, it however is not an excuse, I was wrong to do what I did.
Hell I can't even think about women, or having sex, anything of the sort as I feel like it's cheating on my love even though I'm not with her. How pathetic is that? My feelings, emotions are that damn strong for her, I can't help it.
I don't want to hurt anybody but i hurt others intentionally by misused words. I thought sometimes what i've said something to other as joke but they are serious. I do really sorry for that.
man makes mistakes in every steps in his life so that he learns from it. hurted someone u love is the greatest mistake u cant do that knowingly. yes i also comitted that mistake